Cafe Society

Top five gift boxes Pat Boone's All-American Meats should start offering

Pat Boone, beloved oldies crooner and now carnally inclined entrepreneur, recently made his own offering to the religious community: discounted "Pastor Appreciation Steak Gift Boxes" from his Colorado Springs-based Pat Boone's All American's Meats. Parishioners could make nice with their spiritual shepherds by hooking them up with either a box of four New York strips for $65 or, for extra holier-than-thou points, the $125 box of four strips and four filets mignons.

"Pastors are the cornerstone of their congregation, and parishioners often struggle to find the right way to express their gratitude for the support and guidance they provide in both good times and bad," Boone said in announcing the program.

The deal officially expired yesterday, but in anticipation of Boone's largesse making a second coming, here are the the top five gift boxes Pat Boone's All-American Meats should be offering:

5. "Catholic Priest Appreciation" gift box. These bros deserve some props for their hard work at -- and outside of -- the pulpit. Sure, listening to people confess their sins is something that bartenders have to endure, too, but priests don't have the luxury of alcohol to ease the burden (communion wine is not even spritzer-quality stuff). A meaty gift pack is just the thing to put celibacy and bad press relations on the back burner, maybe a collection loaded with all-beef hot dogs, spicy Italian sausages and a few juicy links of kielbasa.No cocktail wieners, though.

4. "Deadbeat Dads Appreciation" box. Irresponsible baby-makers are definitely an under-appreciated group. The only ones giving them any attention are Nancy Grace and Judge Judy. C'mon, man...being a scofflaw absentee parent is truly a thankless job, what with having to dodge phone calls and e-mails, intercept court documents in the mail, hide from child-support enforcement officials and put all utility bills and rent in a girlfriend's name. These deadbeats deserve their own special gift box filled with gourmet beef jerky (great for the loser-on-the-go), buffalo chicken strips they can eat while watching the game on their plasma-screen televisions (they can afford these because they're saving on pesky child-support checks), and a couple of Wagyu beef steaks so that they can convince brain-dead nineteen-year-old females that they really are good guys with bad ex-wives. 3. "Denver Parking Enforcement Appreciation" box. Despite the ruckus a few months back over a fake ticket being given in retaliation for an agent being called a "meter maid," the rest of the parking enforcement crew seems to do its job really, really well, especially downtown. Still, it's doubtful that any of these industrious agents have ever been treated to a nice box of grilling meats to let them know that their envelope-under-the-windshield-wiper-stuffing actions are an integral part of what makes our city so great. They should get boxes crammed with pre-cooked meatballs, cold cuts and some of those little canned hams. But they can only receive the gift boxes before 6 p.m. (or 10 p.m., depending on where you're delivering them downtown); otherwise, the boxes will cost an additional $25.

2. "Hipster Appreciation" box. Hipsters deserve their own super-solid box, because their myriad contributions to the fashion demographic -- Olsen twins-sized jeans, farmer co-op ball caps and pastel unicorn tees -- keep Goodwill in business. The belt buckle, Camel cigarette and pomade industries are also enjoying a welcome cash influx, and on a local level, Sputnik appears to be the deck frolic pad. Since hipsters generally only grease on such dicey eats as homemade sushi, soy lattes and Xanax, their box won't have any actual meat in it, but instead a gift card for an iPhone app about meat.

1. "MMJ Card Holders Appreciation" box. If it wasn't for these brave souls who dare to flout federal law to choose a more natural form of pain management, then we here in Colorado would not have such a bad-ass rep with the other states, and we would not be as supportive of the fast-food industry, Cool Ranch Doritos and glass-blowers. Appreciating your friends, neighbors and family members who toke one (or two) for the team would be mighty easy with a gift box full of delicious, nutritious bologna made by Pat Boone's All-American Meats. This patented "Boone-logna" would be the perfect gift for people with "legitimate" lower back pain, and those little red strings around the slices make great conversation pieces when you're stoned.

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Jenn Wohletz
Contact: Jenn Wohletz