Top five kitchen gifts sure to ruin the holidays

Keep Westword Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Denver and help keep the future of Westword free.

If you have a foodie to shop for this year, think about a good mixer or some quality wine. Because unless you're looking for one of those awkward exchanges when your friend opens the gift, looks very confused and then lets out an insincere "Thaaanks, this is great," you don't want to buy them any of this crap. They will hate you.

The top five kitchen gifts sure to ruin the holidays:

5. Chickenborg Egg Cuber: Here's the beginning of the product description: "In the 24th century, the Borg are preternaturally interested in assimilating Earth. Nobody was quite sure why -- Earth's technology was far behind the Borg's own. There were plenty of humanoids all over the galaxy, so why try again and again to assimilate Earth? It made no sense at all."

What makes no sense is this long-winded and geeky story -- or why anyone needs square eggs in the first place. The description continues with the story of chickens from a different planet that lay square eggs that don't fall off plates. Egg-cuber, aka more useless plastic shit to clutter up a drawer.

4. Musical Cake Slicer: It "plays music for every occasion" -- especially if the occasion is an "Annoy the hell out of everyone" party. Among the hits pumping out of this utensil are Jingle Bells and For He's a Jolly Good Fellow. The lucky recipients of this gadget can save their guests the effort by stabbing themselves with it. 3. Nebraska With Heart Cookie Cutter: Nebraska blows. If you've got a friend who loves Nebraska so much that he or she wants to make a cookie expressing it, it's time to get new friends. 2. Hog Wild Twirling Spaghetti Fork: You hear that buzzing sound coming from this dinner utensil? That's the sound of your friend or family member getting fatter. You're basically encouraging them to avoid all physical movement and shovel huge quantities of pasta in their face. This will cause heart disease. I hope you're happy. 1. Fruitcake: Are you fucking kidding?

Follow @CafeWestword on Twitter

Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.


Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.