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Top five kitschy kitchen items from the Goodwill Thrift Store

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It was a dark and chilly night, and I was completely bored out of my gourd. Fortunately, a new Goodwill Thrift Store had recently opened in my neighborhood, and shopping seemed a perfect diversion.

So this little piggy went to market, and found a store packed with stuff. Some items looked like they'd been through the wringer, others screamed to find a home. Five things in the kitchen section really caught my eye: Guess what my peeps are getting for Christmas?

Maxine is a grumpy bitch who complains about everything. At least this serving platter will distract your guests from how much the food blows. Can't afford a souvenir from Paris? This lovely item came from the Paris Hotel and Casino in Lost Wages. Jackpot! I can't wait to see this pig's snout spewing gravy. No one's going to steal a spoonful from this open-wide container, 'cause the lion's got your back. "Thundercats Ho!" We all love those smarmy M&M guys, with their soft interiors and hard shells. But this golden orb seems better suited to an S&M parlor.

The recipients of my shopping largesse should be relieved that Christmas is like my love life: It only comes once a year.

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Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.