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Top Five McDonald's innovations that we don't want to see here

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We thought we'd seen everything at McDonald's, but the new "Mouthwatering Angus Snack Wrap" -- essentially a burger in a flour tortilla -- looks like a new low. Until you consider some of the dishes that the Clown of Darkness has inflicted on the rest of the world.

Herewith, the top five McDonald's innovations we don't ever want to see in this country:

1. Mouth-watering porridge "Juicy chicken strips in mouth-watering porridge." How does this Malaysian treat tempt your tastebuds? When I think of porridge, I think of Oliver Twist. But this dish is definitely a step up from gruel, since it contains spring onions, sliced ginger, fried shallots and diced chilies. 2. McPork With breakfast sausage a staple of the McDonald's drive-thru menu, the Japanese have found a way to recycle those leftover morning grease burgers for the afternoon crowd: They put a sausage patty on a burger bun, slather it with a spicy/sweet sauce and then top it with lettuce and onions. This might be the best use of sausage since I paid for my last date. 3. McAloo Tikki When McDonald's moved into India, it had to make sure its products didn't offend the millions of picky eaters in that country. So the conglomerate came up with the McAloo Tikki, a "burger" made of potato and chickpeas with a tomato and onion topping, all tied together with a veggie-tomato mayo. Sorry, but this cow likes to go moo. 4. The Mega Mac After the Big Mac was created, it was only a matter of time before the Japanese reverse-engineered this classic bit of Americana and made it better. The Mega Mac is exactly like its American counterpart, only better: extra meat! Instead of two pressed patties off the flat top, you get four rounds of ground flesh for your enjoyment. Yummo! 5. Croque McDo Those wacky Frenchies are at it again. First we get the impenetrable Maginot line, then they make Jerry Lewis a national treasure, and finally they fall for a breakfast that's a bastardized version of the classic Croque Monsieur. Introducing the Croque McDo: two slices of cheese wrapped around some ham byproduct enclosed in a bread-type muffin.

McDonald's might be the world-beater in fast food, but with choices like this, I'm beating a path to the loo.

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