Top five menu items I'd choose if I paid 50k a plate for dinner

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Mitt Romney's "The 47 Percent Feels Entitled to Eat Free Cake" vid clip had me thinking about a lot of things, but my brain kept inexplicably drifting back to Mittens' fifty-thousand-dollars-a-plate fundraiser, and wondering what sort of meal you get when you dump that kind of green. I'm of the spend-$5-to-$50-a-plate-for-dinner persuasion, and I had a $500 meal once for which I sure as sh*t didn't pick up the tab, so the idea of eating a meal that costs as much as I make in like five years is positively mind-blowing.

Still, I put my food-lusting noggs to good use and produced this list of the top five menu items I'd choose if I paid 50k a plate for dinner. Bon appetit, everyone -- especially my fellow poverty-stricken but entitled reader-friends.

5. A plate of Iberico ham.

Iberico ham is made from super-special pigs that were only fed acorns and roots. The hams are cured for three entire years -- longer than any of my relationships have lasted -- before being lovingly enshrined in handmade wooden boxes, dressed in handmade cloth aprons stitched by Spanish tailors. And that's not all: Each ham comes with its own DNA certificate confirming its authenticity. Yep. This damn ham comes with papers, and at $180 a pound it really should come with diamonds and slaves. I would like it served to me in tissue paper-thin slices as an amuse-bouche -- that's rich people speak for "tiny-ass appetizer," and just for sh*ts maybe wrap the slices around a few shoots of that $200 a pound hop asparagus or something.

4. La Bonnotte potato soup.

One kilo of La Bonnotte potatoes can cost up to $700, making them, by far, the most expensive potatoes on the Earth. Apparently this variety of potato is only cultivated on an island off the coast of France, and only 100 tons are produced each year, because they are so delicate they have to be picked by hand, and they have to be fertilized with algae and seaweed to give them their distinctive salty flavor. In other words, these potatoes are perfect for making a furiously ritzy bowl of soup. I would also like my soup to be garnished with white Alba truffle shavings, roasted flamingo tongues, Adele penguin toenails and the desperate tears of poor people.

3. A Densuke watermelon salad.

Densuke watermelons are super-coddled Japanese melons with hard, black rinds, crisp, ultra-sweet pulp, and a price tag somewhere up in the thousands of dollars per. Apparently the growing process with these melons is a huge pain in the ass, with seeds that are difficult to germinate, seedlings that suck water like I suck down cheap muscat wine, and vines that take forever to fruit. That's exactly why I would want to be served a salad made of thinly-sliced Densuke watermelons dressed with healthy drizzles of aged Modena balsamic vinegar, and a light dusting of cheese shavings--that $500 a pound moose milk cheese from Sweden.

2. A tunalobviar. If I'm forking over $50,000 for a single meal, I would expect to get an entrée that that either blew my mind, or blew me under the table. Since option two is still technically illegal, I would instead like to have my very own fresh, homemade tunalobviar. A tunalobviar is a Bluefin tuna stuffed with a lobster, which is stuffed with Beluga caviar. It's like a turducken, really, only it costs a sh*tton more, and I can save the leftover fish bones and lobster shells so I can let poor people smell them. 1. A single scoop of Château d'Yquem and Yubari King Melon sorbet.

This elegant, frozen confection will be served to me from an antique Tiffany & Co. sterling silver dessert goblet with a matching silver Tiffany spoon -- from the Romney collection.

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