Lazy Pennsylvanians can now grab a bottle of their favorite vino out of a vending machine, right after scoring some Rolos and Gardettos. With the recent introduction of wine to some vending machines in that state, the alcoholic beverage joins the elite ranks of Funyuns, Nibs, temporary tattoos, Homies and misshapen stuffed animals.
And that got us thinking: What would Colorado include in its vending machines if it could? Specifically, what would Boulder add? For starters, organic wine only please (duh). Pot brownies, pot cookies and pot tea? Definitely. Slap a solar panel up top and we're getting somewhere.
Here's what would line the shelves of Boulder's dream vending machine:
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Westword's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Denver's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
1. Pot cheesecake. If you live in Boulder, you already have pot brownies at home, so you're going to be in the market for something that has loads of THC but is a bit more of a commodity. Don't worry, in addition to getting you totally high, Boulder's vending machine cheesecakes will be made with tofu and come in a potato-based carton. 2. Kombucha mother. Stop whining about your precious kombucha getting yanked from the shelves at Whole Foods. Once Boulder starts stocking machines with starters you'll be all set. You're not really a Boulderite anyway unless you make your own kombucha. Famous Amos will roll out a line and stock them right next to their mini-cookies. 3. Free-range, cage-free, omega-3 (or whatever) eggs.If the thought of raising your own chickens makes you go "ewwwwwww!" grab some eggs on the go without the muss and fuss of raising barnyard birds or talking to your neighbors while stoned -- all for the bargain price of just $7.99 per egg. 4. Textured vegetable protein.It might look like Grape Nuts, but it's so much more versatile. Forgot your Boca burgers and in a rush to get to that fundraiser for your dispensary? Step right up! Comes with seasoning. Just add water and you've got a walking taco! 5. Popcorn with nutritional yeast.Weak from eating french fries and Oreos? Ah, the sacrifices of the vegan lifestyle. You can maintain your faux-healthy lifestyle choice while scoring some vague approximation of nutrition by getting popcorn with nutritional yeast.