Top five things Charlie Sheen needs to ingest in order to sober up and get his butt back to work

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Charlie Sheen, our favorite "total friggin' rock star from Mars," has done lost his mind and is hitting the talk-show circuit harder than a bottle and a line of coke right now. His tirades are amusing, to be sure, because when was the last time you actually heard of a celebrity not only defending his "epic" partying, but bragging that he was "banging seven gram rocks and finishing them because that is how I roll"?

Instead of being a good, humble celeb and doing his stint in rehab and then shooting a couple of PSAs about how drugs are bad or whatever, he's yap, yap, yapping his way to the head of the unemployment line. What about Duckie and the kid? How are they gonna pay their mortgages? Charlie needs to chillax, take a cold shower and put something in his body that's legal to get him back to being the lush lothario he's being paid to be (big stretch there) instead of the unemployed crack-nut he's not being paid to be. We can help, Charlie! Behold our list of the top five things Charlie Sheen needs to ingest to sober his ass up and get back to work:

5. A nice salad Rock star Martians need a dose of healthy greens every so often to fuel their cells for more ill-advised media rants. A mixed greens salad with some croutons will keep him chewing long enough to stay the hell off the phone and away from the Internet, and give the goddesses babysitting him time to disable his Twitter account so that Chaz will not have the opportunity to screw his career in the asset-hole any more than he already has.

4. Danish -- with lots and lots of coffee Right now the office danish carts and coffee pots are probably still phalanxed with ordinary folks doing their boring office jobs and gossiping about how much effin' cooler Charlie's life is compared to theirs, and how he's mashing it in everyone's sorry, working-class little faces that he's jet-setting, fellating bottles of booze and snorting coke out of stupid-hottie porn stars' butt-cracks every day. Charlie really needs a boysenberry Danish and about fourteen pots of coffee to bring his noise level down to a dull roar so that people won't start hating the player and continue to hate the game.

3. Ben and Jerry's Poor Charlie. His publicist just dumped him like a sack of flaming crap, and his ex snatched his kids. He's due for a night alone, horfing down a pint of Bonnaroo Buzz (this may be the only pint he hasn't inhaled lately) and updating his resume to upload to Hot Jobs. Thank the gods -- or goddesses, in Sheen's case -- that his much-needed lawyers have no souls; otherwise, they'd be sending him a "We love you, we're just not in love with you anymore" text at 2 a.m.

2. Nutty bars Even though a million punters on Twitter find Charlie's antics worthy of ROFL or LMFAO, it only takes one judge in one courtroom to lay down the sober, boring consequences for said antics, so right now Charlie needs to STFU. Before the long arm of the law chokes off Charlie's sabbatical of awesomeness, maybe he and both his girlfriends need a few Little Debbie snack cakes. There's a huge difference between eating nutty bars and acting like them, and Charlie and company have been doing the lambada over that line for about a week now.

1. More chocolate milk The owner of Broguiere's Dairy in California, Ray Broguiere, told TMZ that Charlie's pictorial chocolate milk endorsement via Twitter last week was all Charlie being Charlie and not staged or planned. He also said that the farm is now being "inundated with phone calls from curious customers." Is this an untapped resource in the fight to get people to drink more milk? Sheen being the new spokesman for cow juice seems like an unlikely outcome of his self-aggrandizing media pep-rally, but it would be more palatable to the viewing public than his leering mug next to a baggie of crack rocks or a pair of used fishnet stockings.

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