Valentine's Day, cougar-style

Valentine's Day is only a few days away, and cougars are on the prowl for cubs to nip on the nape and nuzzle into doing a cougar's bidding.

Any mellow young fellow looking for the love of a cougar should easily be able to achieve hot-tub bliss if he keeps a few things in mind. For example, a cougar does not want a cub to focus on the age difference between their legs or their birthdays. She wants to keep all the attention on her, not the senior special at Denny's. In exchange, she'll prove to that cub that she still has a few tricks down her bloomers. She'll unscrew the champagne, put on that black teddy that has been mothballed since WWII, and show him how much she appreciates having him around.

The rules are trickier for cougars.

Since a cougar is old enough to be the mom of most cubs, motherly instincts can come into play. But guys do not want to be smothered and covered -- unless it's at Waffle House.

A cougar may also be old enough to play bridge or canasta at the local bingo parlor, but since she's on the prowl for meat, she must be willing to indulge a young male's fantasy. A fantasy built on love and trust -- er, a fantasy all about getting laid and maybe cab fare home.

And a smart cougar will want to play to that fantasy. Because after a whirl in the hot tub, a cub will be able to carry her aging body back to the room where the magic happens.

One slipped disc, though, and watch him disappear.

Valentine's Day is not all hearts and flowers. As Weege wrote earlier this week, there's also bathroom sex and Scandinavian sex.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >