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Valentine's Day: Love you like a Rock

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With Valentine's Day fast approaching, you need to decide how you're going to let your significant other know how much you love and appreciate his or her constant nagging, er, companionship.

Chef Rahman "Rock" Harper, a past winner of Hell's Kitchen, wants to help, and has served up a platter of budget-saving tips for making that special day even more special (and cheap). Because what's more special than having the winner of a reality show hosted by Gordon Ramsay yelling "fuck off" at you all day?

Rock's first tip: "Focus more on the person you're spending time with than the food you will be serving." So if I'm hoping to get laid, I can serve undercooked poisson, poison her and then take advantage of her. Brilliant!

Chef Rock also suggests putting on romantic background music or even looking through old pictures. That's right: Nothing says "I love you" more than looking at those pictures from before you had three kids while Celine Dion is playing in the background.

Also, when you're spending the evening with your loved one, Rock warns you to avoid garlic and raw onions, because you don't want to smell and taste like you're ready to fight vampires -- unless you're into Twilight movies and pasty white people.

Chef Rock's idea for couples without a lot of cash who still want to be romantic? Improvise and have dinner on the floor -- perhaps on the floor of a squalid, weekly room that's been rented on the corner of Crack and Violence. A brick of government cheese and Ritz crackers should make for a perfect indoor picnic.

The last tip? If you don't want to cook, there's always take-out. Chinese, Thai or Italian all convey a certain romanticism while also showing how frugal you are, because you're saving your dollars for something much more special -- like bail money.

Valentine's Day is not all hearts and flowers. As Weege wrote earlier this week, there's also bathroom sex and Scandinavian sex and cougar sex.

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