If you're a product of the '70s, and spent your spare time eating a salisbury steak TV dinner while glued to Lee Majors flexing his bionic implants on the Six Million Dollar Man, then you and that goofball, Johnny Ballen, the tall, lanky bean who owns the Squeaky Bean, have at least one thing in common.
Ballen, along with the rest of the bean machine, have been hard at work building the new Squeaky Bean, which will open in mid-June at 1500 Wynkoop Street, but they've also taken some time away from pounding nails to shoot some hilarious video footage that's given our readers a glimpse of what the bean team has in store.
Last month, Ballen, who came off like a cross between a game show host and a used car salesman on Big Wheel steroids, treated us to a behind-the-scenes look of the new space, and now he's got another video, only this time, Ballen is the bionic man who's lubricated with tequila through a feeding tube.
"I'm way about the '70s and '80s pop culture, and the Six Million Dollar Man was one of my favorite TV shows when I was a kid," says Ballen, who admits that he also hung tight to the action figure.
And in this video, a parody of the introduction scenes in the Lee Majors classic, the footage showcases a polyester-suited, pink ruffle-shirted Ballen running full-speed on a treadmill, racing through the park, ripping on Texas and blowing up the former Squeaky Bean -- and rebuilding the new one. "It signifies that we have separation, we have the technology and we're looking forward to opening a bigger, better and tastier Bean," says Ballen, adding that "we've taken the stuff that everyone loved and we're passing that across the table to the new Bean."
And, just in case you're interested, the late Farrah Fawcett, who had her own shrine at original Bean, is definitely coming back, as is the jumping bean. Pigs, too.
Make sure you watch the hilarity in its entirety, including the Republic tequila scene at the very end.
Watch the video of a bionic Ballen on the next page.
Look for a third video from Ballen and his cohorts in the next few weeks.
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.