At first, handing out lame treats on Halloween seems like a victimless crime. Kids are already getting bags of candy as it is, so what's the harm with one fewer awesome treat.
Part of the harm is that they're not the victim, really--you are. You, your house, your cars, your trees, your pets. But mostly, your reputation. What you dole out speaks for you, for better or worse, so here's what some legendarily crappy Halloween treats are screaming for you, at the top of their lame-ass lungs.
Apples or Raisins: "I'm on a diet, okay? I haven't so much as seen refined sugar in twenty-three days and nine hours. Now you and your childhood metabolism can get the hell off my porch."
Spare Change: "I completely forgot that it was Halloween, but here's what's in my pocket. Sorry about the lint. And the condom."
Jelly Beans: "I've had these since Easter. If you like petrified Peeps or chalky chocolate rabbit shards, I have some of those too."
Anything Homemade : "Here's a Ziploc full of my wishes to live in 1947." Alternately: "These might make you feel a little sleepy while you're walking down the street, and you might notice me pulling up beside you in my station wagon and steering you into the backseat. And you might wake up in my basement. Don't worry about all that though, they're delicious."
Candy Corn: "These quaint confections not only hearken back to a time when agrarian culture was central to the American way of life, they were also a buck a bag at Wal-Mart."
Necco Wafers: "I was all out of Tums."
Those Orange and Black Wrapped Peanut-Butter Taffy Pieces of Crap: "Here, have a couple of orange and black wrappered peanut-butter taffy pieces of crap. Also, I'm an asshole. Punch me. Now."
Circus Peanuts: "I'm giving you these because I love circuses, but also because I haven't left my house in 18 months. Now please stop ringing my doorbell. World of Warcraft isn't going to play itself, you know."
Toothbrushes: "Yes, I'm a dentist. Yes, I think I'm funny. Yes, you definitely should take that pumpkin with the perfect smile from my porch and smash it on the hood of my Infiniti."
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SHOW ME HOW
Chick Tracts: "Happy Halloween, sweetie. Be sure to wear a coat, look both ways before crossing the street, and repent before you die and burn in everlasting hell."