January 13, 2011 | 7:43pm
Last week we met up with the old crew and were introduced to Deena, the "dirty chihuahua" (Sammi's nickname, not ours) who came attached to Snooki. This week we pick back up with the Jersey Shoreans mid-fight, with Jwoww and Sammi coming to actual blows as Ronnie and MVP (Michael "The Situation," Vinny and Pauly D) look on like cowards. Unfortunately, this flat cat fight is an accurate indicator of the bleak season ahead: All the girl spats, tanning and grenade-smashing in the world can't make The Jersey Shore interesting this time around.
But we follow along as things chill out, and Sammi tries to level with Ronnie while the hair-extension trifecta of Jwoww, Snooks and the Gremlin go on the roof to drink more and attempt to use a hammock -- which is, of course, a total failure. Eventually, everyone passes out, drunken or otherwise. The next morning the dudes (plus Sammi) hit the gym and the girls go tanning, all in preparation for their first night out.
Old haunt Karma is the first stop, where Vinny acquires a stalker. A parasite, if you will. Meanwhile, the Situation is gathering his usual cadre of grenades, pulling his shirt up at any self-created opportunity. Snooki disappears into a bush -- er, a plastic plant on the patio of the club -- and Jwoww decides this means it's time to go home. Once back at the house, personal shit hits the fan. J calls her boyfriend Tom to whine about some inanely mundane bracelet-losing story -- and forgets it's their anniversary. Tom hangs up on her. On television. Ouch.
Back at the club, Vinny has ditched the parasitic grenade and is back on the prowl with the rest of MVP. They sew up the evening by bringing a girl back to the house, and the story gets a little disturbing: Vinny and The Situation have brought home the same girl. The two talk lof sharing, and we cross our fingers that The Jersey Shore doesn't venture into this uncouth territory. Thankfully, it doesn't happen. Vinny locks the Sitch out of the smash room, and boom, it's done. The Situation is denied.
Sammi and Ronnie wake up from a night of lying in bed looking pissed at each other and -- get this - -decide to go to church to "relieve some sins." Right. Snooki and Deena roll out of bed promptly at 3 p.m. The Sitch is tripping because the grumps took the big car to church -- and everyone needs to go tanning. Seriously. But somehow tanning happens, which is, of course, in preparation for the first "family dinner" of the new season. Sammi and Ronnie ditch out on the mega-important meal, for which Pauly later confronts them. Sammi tells him to shove off. Sammi and Ronnie clearly have no family values.
Cut to the T-shirt shop, that stupid fake job scenario MTV insists on bringing back into the picture. Luckily, no one is interested -- Snooki even vocally objects to working, stressing how much she would rather be sleeping. The job scene lasts less than two minutes before we are back to the crew's usual mindless shenanigans at the house. The boardwalk is the night's destination, where we see Sammi pout the entire time, making sure Ronnie stays miserable while everyone one else has the time of their life.
This is a prime opportunity for MTV to utilize all of the old footage of fights between Ronnie and Sammi, reiterating why we shouldn't even care what happens to them, or for that matter what happens to anyone for the rest of the season. Two episodes into The Jersey Shore 3, and we are so bored that the diet pill spots, pregnancy test commercials and Plan B emergency contraceptive ads serve as better entertainment than seeing Snooki face down, ass up in the sand.
But that all happens next week, so maybe we'll stay tuned.
"She's a female backpack" - Deena
"You like 'em like you like your girls' eyes: cock-eyed" - Paulie to Vinny, regarding his taste in boobs.
"The Situation needs to Situate himself" - The Situation
"Filet Mignin" - Pauly D.
"I'm the number-one fuckin' Guido" - Pauly D.
"Sammi's boring. She's just there. Like furniture." - Deena