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What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating, January 31 - February 6

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When push comes to shove, February is and pretty much always will be Black History Month -- that's the only one they teach you about in school, anyway, mostly by telling you about Martin Luther King, Jr., the least threatening to white people of the civil rights leaders. Which is alright, but it's pretty tough to justify getting rip-roaring drunk for Black History Month, and that is because history is boring. National Grapefruit Month, on the other hand -- now that's a celebration you can inject gin into a piece of fruit for, and bonus! You can do it every day for the next 28 days. Not that you wouldn't be doing that anyway.

Besides being a month that commemorates African Americans and the only citrus fruit that is both yellow and spherical, February is also, in order of awesomeness from most to least, Great American Pie Month, Canned Food Month, An Affair to Remember Month (Cary Grant was dreamy enough to deserve his own month, but An Affair to Remember is close enough), National Cherry Month, American Heart Month, National Weddings Month, Creative Romance Month (a yearly favorite of Ted Haggard, who likes romance but avoids sex sex), National Weddings Month and National Children's Dental Health Month, which we suspect is a subliminal sales pitch for orthodontia.

The most well known of the holidays in the coming week, of course, is Groundhog Day, a day that Bill Murray famously lived over and over in the eponymous 1993 film, which led his character into deep depression, increasing madness, bizarrely sociopathic behavior and multiple suicide attempts. Relax, though; you won't have to live that day over and over to experience those things; you pretty much do all that every day.

Unlike Bill Murray, though, you at least get to have a little variety in your life -- for example, there's still Thank a Mailman Day (Friday) and National Weatherman Day (Saturday) to celebrate it. Actually, Friday brings two holidays, the other one being Create a Vacuum day. A vacuum, as you know, refers to that physiological state wherein an area is completely void, sucking in anything it comes across and tearing it to shreds in order to fill its utter emptiness. But you don't actually have to do any work to create one. You've more or less accomplished that with your life.

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