Dear stores, we get it: It's Christmas time. It only comes but once a year -- yadda, yadda, yadda. That's great and all, but being bombarded by Christmas music while searching for the perfect gifts is driving us nuts -- it's like being a mouse in an endless maze with no buttons to push. And, of course, it's always awesome when the songs start before the turkey is even thawed for Thanksgiving. Thanks for that!
The lyrics to most of the Christmas songs, of course, are etched into the back of our skulls by now. And some songs invoke more hatred and loathing than others. Merchants, take heed: Any of these songs could set us into a rabid frenzy of Christmas cheer (or insanity) and make us tear through your aisles, punch Santa in the nose, rip down every last Christmas ornament, candy cane and fruitcake, stomp them into oblivion and start a merry little yuletide fire, right there in your cheery Christmas aisles!
10. "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"
This song is bad enough on its own. But, dear Partridge Family, why?! Why did you do this awful song, this awfully bad version of it? It just, it just...makes us loose faith in humanity. Stop, please. We guess this must be the reason Barry Manilow didn't cover it.
9. "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas"
If it wasn't near seventy degrees out these past few days, maybe it really would be beginning to look a lot like Christmas. This tune is just so candy-cane sweet it makes our teeth hurt, as we grind away at them. Even if it were cold and snowy, we're still over this tune.
8. "Feliz Navidad"
This is like the Jimmy Buffett of Christmas songs. It's just annoying, in that special "Cheeseburger in Paradise" sort of way. This is the song you're invariably stuck listening to in an endless line at the checkout counter, behind a sweaty fat woman with whiny kids, wishing you could shoot yourself in the face. "Feliz Navidad, I want to wish you a merry--" shut up, already!
7. "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)"
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Gosh, nothing puts us in a relaxed holiday mood like the high-pitched warble of three cartoon chipmunks and a man yelling at them. If Dave just got Alvin a hula hoop in the first place, we probably wouldn't even have this song. But then again, you've got to wonder if this was just product placement by hula hoop maker Wham-O toys in time for Christmas...
6. "The 12 Days of Christmas"
Who the fuck really wants six geese a-laying, anyway? Oh, wait, it's a metaphor about Christianity? Yeah, that doesn't make us want to hear it over and over again anymore. This is one song that gets better with each asinine cover. For instance, Bob and Doug do a nice version of it, and the other version's equally amusing.
5. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" Yeah this song was a lot of fun in middle school. But we're over it. Look, Grandma passed away years ago, and it wasn't thanks to eggnog and a reindeer. This song is just damn annoying.
4. "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"
Yes, it's a cherished childhood Christmas song. But just because we've heard it since we were two doesn't mean we still want to hear this song again, and again, and again. Though if George Michael had listened to this song's lyrics: "You better not pout, you better not cry -- " maybe he wouldn't have written "Last Christmas." Not even the Boss can spruce up this old dud.
3. "Last Christmas"
Have you ever actually listened to the words of this song? This is the probably the most depressing Christmas song ever! It's a song that Phoebe Cates's character from Gremlins would sing on Christmas Day. From the opening line -- "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears..." -- this song feels makes us feel like hanging ourselves with tinsel, right under the mistletoe.
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2. "Santa Baby" Even with the wispy, come-hither voice of Eartha Kitt, this song is a no-go -- at least in public. Over the years Madonna, Mariah Carey, Kylie Minogue, Taylor Swift and others all have taken this song on. It's a bedroom song that should only be sung with a sexy nightie and a striptease. It won't put us in the Christmas spirit -- unless the singer's putting out. Hearing this in the middle of the mall, with kids running around, is just plain dirty.
1. "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time"
This sappy McCartney tune raises our hackles. The opening chords make reindeer puke! If McCartney hadn't come up with "Live and Let Die," he should have left the music business after the Beatles. Like the Christmas goose, this song is done.