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Adam Cayton-Holland finds something nice to say about Comcast

A remote possibility.

Stop the blogosphere presses, for I actually have something nice to say about Comcast.

No, that is not a misprint. While I typically place Comcast behind only Qwest and Hitler for sheer, unfiltered evil, today I have come across a compliment that I would like to purvey to my purveyors of cable and Internet: It is very nice the way you give out free remotes.

Shout it from the rooftops!

If you’re like me, and you leave your incorrigible puppy she-bitch alone in the house for a few hours, she in turn will chew up anything that she can wrap her little razor-sharp, caiman-like teeth around. Recently, this just so happened to be the remote. To her credit, she didn’t eat the batteries. But even so, I came home to find it completely destroyed, leaving me incapable of accessing my DVR and thus being up to speed on the latest Real World/Road Rules challenge, The Island.

Panicked, I went to my nearby Radio Shack, where a squat half-wit informed me that they did not carry any similar device, and that it would be best to call Comcast. So call Comcast I did, fully expecting to have to order a new remote that would take seventeen weeks to be shipped to me for the one-time-only price of $772. Instead, I was told to go to my local Comcast office – which was surprisingly close – to get a new one. What I wasn’t told, however, was that when I got there, said remote would be completely and totally free!

"Dogs chew these up all the time," the polite and courteous Comcast woman told me. "The buttons make little clicking noises and the dogs go crazy."

Aw, ain’t that just like dogs?

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And just like that, I was back in DVR land, stuffing my face with Goldfish crackers as reality-star morons were starved and made to bludgeon each other. And you know what else? When your idiot roommate Monty then leaves the brand-spanking new remote on the coffee table so that your puppy destroys it anew on the very same day you got it, Comcast will give you another one! And they won’t even judge you for it.

Quite understandably, this changed my opinion of Comcast. That is, until I received this month’s bill, which was twice the normal amount! Apparently, in an unrelated turn of events, they never received my payment from last month, which I made in timely fashion, as I always do. When I phoned a rep, she essentially told me that she had no idea what happened and could I please stop talking to her so that she could continue shoving Q-Tips too far into her skull.

While this blip in the payment schedule could very easily be chalked up to crazies at the good old United States Postal Service, I choose to attribute the gaffe to Comcast, because outside of that whole remote thing, I hate their guts. So fuck you again, Comcast.

Just when we were so close to getting along. -- Adam Cayton-Holland

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