Author's Note: Enjoying this post, much like writing it, pretty much guarantees you'll have Herpes by the end of the weekend, if you don't already, which you probably do. Read at your own risk.
Are you tired of being one of the seven remaining people in the United States who doesn't have herpes? Do you spend your days staring longingly at the sores of others, hoping against hope that someone will accidentally brush against you, so you can finally fit in?
Well fear not, my woefully disease-free friend. Because there's a place I know, right here in Denver, where all of your cleanliness problems will disappear. No longer will you be left without a cool STD nickname, like Herpie the Love Bug. No more will the clerk at Walgreens cast that sympathetic glow when you sheepishly empty the contents of your basket onto the counter, not a tube of Zovirax among them.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Westword's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Denver's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
And what is this Fountain of Skeev of which I speak? The Herpes Happy Hour!
As recently reported on the Rocky Mountain News's "logged in" page, Colorado H Friends, a local Herpes support group, is hosting monthly happy hours where people with Herpes or HPV can meet, mingle and, presumably, get drunk and make merciless fun of all the poor disease-free bastards out there.
Then, once they're good and trashed, we can only assume they'll have lots of sex. So if it's the Herp you seek, it's the Herp you will get. Just make sure you leave your condoms at home. We hear Denverites love those damn things.
For more info on the Herpes Happy Hour and other events – they've got a movie night! -- log onto ColoradoHFriends.com. And may all your dreams come true. -- Joe Tone