Commentary

Boebert Watch: Big Money and Bigger Talk From Colorado Congresswoman

Representative Lauren Boebert: Congresswoman or that Mean Girl from Middle School? Yes.
Representative Lauren Boebert: Congresswoman or that Mean Girl from Middle School? Yes. YouTube
"Today, we celebrate our nation’s founding as well as the constant struggle to reach those high ideals laid out by the Founders of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness....Sadly, that notion of democracy is at risk of disappearing in this country because of people like Lauren Boebert and extremists in the Republican Party," warns the Boebert Must Go campaign in its Independence Day message.

The GOP has evidently decided to put all of its eggs into one basket: And part of the very angry and irrational weave of that self-righteous basket is Colorado's own Lauren Boebert, who was having something of a good week — with $750K raised in the second quarter, doubling her campaign chest, and Republican House Leader Kevin McCarthy appointing her to the Future of American Freedoms task force — until it came to light that she'd tweeted on June 30 that "the easiest way to make the Delta variant to go away is to turn off CNN."

That's the COVID variant that's increasing fast in Boebert's 3rd Congressional District.

click to enlarge 9News's Kyle Clark scooped up Rep. Boebert's tweet before she deleted it from her account. - TWITTER
9News's Kyle Clark scooped up Rep. Boebert's tweet before she deleted it from her account.
"And vote Republican," Boebert added in the tweet that she soon deleted..but not before it was captured by Kyle Clark.


And when they vote Republican, what are they voting for? Post-Trump — if America can honestly say that we’re post-Trump, what with the judges that Donald Trump elevated and those broad hints that he could again run for president — the GOP has no real policy. It is absent of platform. It exists now only to perpetuate itself and its waning significance.

And so, Lauren Boebert. “The Future of American Freedoms Task Force will develop substantive freedom legislation that provides a clear contrast to the policies of the cancel culture/woke left,” she says in a release. “When we retake the majority in less than two years, we will make these policies a reality.”

Boebert is, as always, light on specifics and solutions, but as a member of this vaunted task force alongside such brain trusts as wrestling-coach-and-abuser-apologist Jim Jordan and racist-1930s-cartoon-blonde-come-to-life Marjorie Taylor Greene, she’ll have to come up with some ideas.

Like what, you ask? We can only imagine. And did, on this potential Boebert task-force platform:


All Task Forces Abolished, Except for This Task Force.
Because this Task Force is “one of the good ones.” You know: like Melania or Stacey Dash.


Honoring the Rule of Law as an Absolute.
You know, depending on Who’s Defining “Rule” and “Law” and probably “of.”

Guns, Guns, Bo-Buns! Banana-fanna fo-funs! Fee fi mo-muns! Guuu-uns!

Cheating on Your Taxes: Not Illegal if You Were President.
This is, of course, retroactive.

Ditto for Inciting a Crowd to Violence.
Totally Cool.

The Constructive Adoption of False Equivalence.
Yes, having to wear a mask during a pandemic is totally the same as George Floyd suffocating under a policeman’s knee.

Canceling Cancel-Culture.
And anything else that threatens, you know, “real” Americans.

The Creation of a National Office of Anger Management.
America must be told at what it needs to be angry, and what terms to adopt in talking about it online. Soyboys! Cucks! Virtue Signalling! Snowflakes! Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS)! This should, of course ,be run by a Czar, with no political irony whatsoever.

Protecting the Status Quo by Governing to a Standstill
America won’t change if Congress forces it to do nothing.

New National Anthem: America: Fuck Yeah!
Along with a new motto on all currency: "Freedom is the only way now."
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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen