Just when our Schmuck of the Week crew thinks we've heard it all, we learn otherwise.
Today's lesson comes courtesy of Matthew McBride, who's been arrested on suspicion of tying up his elderly mother with a vacuum cord — and threatening to kill her.
But the 84-year-old outsmarted him by pressing her Life Alert button.
According to the Colorado Springs Police Department, the incident took place on the 3300 block of Soaring Bird Circle. Here's an interactive graphic showing the entry to the area; if you have problems seeing the image, click "View on Google Maps."
And here's a look at the residence in question, from KOAA-TV coverage.
In this case, however, the CSPD wasn't first on the scene. Officers arrived after personnel from the Colorado Springs Fire Department, who were dispatched on what's described as an "unknown medical call."
Turns out the real emergency wasn't medical, though.
The cops subsequently learned that the resident of the home, McBride's mom, had witnessed an incident between him and his sister that had led to charges of harassment and third-degree assault.
McBride is said to have wanted his mom to fill out a statement before heading into court, and when the results didn't meet his standards, he wrote one of his own and told her to sign it.
She refused, after which he allegedly tied her up with a vacuum cord amid threats to kill her and his sister — and he said he wouldn't release her unless she signed the document.
Instead, she triggered the Life Alert system.
When firefighters arrived, McBride initially refused to open the door, after which he split — but he was subsequently tracked down at nearby Rampart Park, the CSPD reveals.
Now, in addition to the previous beefs against him, McBride is expected to face accusations of intimidating a witness and false imprisonment.
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Like the vacuum itself, this entire situation definitely sucks.
Look below to see McBride's double mug shot, followed by the aforementioned KOAA-TV report.