The May 13 move by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to allow fully vaccinated people to stop wearing COVID-19 safety masks in most indoor and outdoor settings — a policy switch swiftly co-signed by Colorado Governor Jared Polis — created widespread confusion among business owners across the country, including in Denver, since the only mechanism in place to determine if people are following the rules is the honor system.
Just over a week later, the masks-off movement has gained even more momentum. The decision by Kroger, owner of King Soopers and City Market grocery stores in Colorado, to dump its facial-coverings mandate only days after announcing that it would continue for a while longer suggests strongly that such requirements are on the way out, and won't return unless another virus spike forces the CDC to reverse course.
That leaves the rest of us to wonder if that unmasked person next to us in the checkout line is actually fully vaccinated or simply pretending to be. So here are our best guesses about the ten kinds of unmasked people in Denver who might be lying about their vaccination status, followed by a bonus category spotlighting the sort of individual without a choice in the matter.
Note: The use of stock photos showing only white people in this post wasn't coincidental.
The Conspiracy Theorist
Pssst. Don't tell anyone, but The Conspiracy Theorist has it on good authority that the vaccine is a stealth delivery system for microchip trackers manufactured by Bill Gates. Who, just in case you hadn't heard, is the Anti-Christ.
The Bad Skin Victim
This poor soul hadn't suffered an acne attack since high school. But after the mask mandate, his chin was instantly covered with zits — and there's not enough Proactiv in the world to make a difference.
The Prayer Leader
If God wants you to catch COVID-19, it's going to happen whether you wear a face covering or not — and he isn't going to be pleased if you do. Mask = heretic.
The QAnon Believer
The coronavirus crisis was cooked up to allow pedophiles in the highest ranks of power to disguise their identities, and The QAnon Believer has proof. She can't find it right now, but as soon as she does, your mind will be blown!
The Trend Follower
When all the cool people were wearing masks, The Trend Follower did, too. And now that they're not....
The Macho Warrior
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. The Macho Warrior read that on a bumpersticker once — and it seems truer to him every time he coughs.
The Fake Scientist
A very impressive study revealed that wearing masks causes the virus to build up inside, resulting in an even more serious illness. The research was done by some guy at some place, and The Fake Scientist saw it on Facebook.
The Fashion Plate
Matching masks to outfits was fun for a while. But now that look is so 2020.
The System Breaker
If the government wants you to do something, it's definitely a bad idea suffused with corruption. Burn it all down, motherfuckers!
The MAGA Flag Waver
The MAGA Flag Waver hopes liberals keep wearing masks. That'll make it easier to figure out who they are when it comes time to round them up.
Bonus Category: The Child
Since she hasn't been vaccinated, The Child would happily wear a mask. Problem is, she's only four, and her parents are idiots.
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