Cafe Society

Euclid Hall retaliates against the Sowbionese Liberation Army by stealing the prime suspect's pig -- and issuing its own set of demands for its safe return

Things are heating up between Euclid Hall and the Sowbionese Liberation Army, the hooligans who made off with Euclid Hall's iron pig this past Sunday at The Big Eat at Union Station, and are holding it hostage.

The staff at Euclid Hall have pinpointed several prime suspects in the heist, the names of whom, at least for now, will remain under wraps, but suffice it to say that the suspects in question also have a pig mascot of their own -- and yesterday, that pig, christened "Teal, the Flying Squealer," was stolen by none other than Jorel Pierce, the executive chef of Euclid Hall.

Tit for tat, snout for snout. Game on.

And that means that the Euclid crew is now in a position to issue a few ransom demands of their own. Pirece's pig-headed response, augmented by back-up from fellow staff members, is bound to make the Sowbionese Liberation Army pull out more pink lipstick.

Our demands in regards to the the theft of our pig are simple:

While we agree to the demands of bone marrow and whiskey, the entire cartel of pig robbers must assist chef Jorel in the serving of the fine whiskey, and they all must wear their own tutus, of course. In addition, they are required to bring a fresh tossed salad to accompany the bone marrow at Euclid Hall on Sunday. A portrait of Farrah Fawcett must be presented in an empty chair at the feasting table, accompanied by the rubber ducky, for the duration of the meal. If these demands are not met, consider "Teal" scrap metal.

"I only hope that this can be the end of this reign of terror. We at Euclid Hall are feeling the wrath of a group of militant eccentrics that no one else will need to deal with, hopefully. I will do my part to uphold our reputation in the highest manner while satisfying the demands of this group of radicals," says Pierce.

"This has been very hard on all of us," laments Josh Prater, Euclid Hall's sous chef. "Jorel is proposing a candlelight vigil. We fear that this loss is driving him insane. At this point we fear for our own safety."

And Euclid Hall manager Betsy Shields, is worried about getting the pig back in one piece. "Jake, one of our junior sous chefs, and I feel that we have been neglectful of our Euclidean duty in not protecting the innocence of our metallic swine. I just hope he's okay," she pleads.

The showdown between the two camps is currently set for Sunday at 3 p.m., at Euclid Hall, although, at this point, anything can happen. The Sowbionese Liberation Army are huddling, somewhere, plotting their next move.

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Lori Midson
Contact: Lori Midson