Olive Garden needs a new slogan -- bring on the bread and circuses!

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Olive Garden just announced that it's ditching its fifteen-year-old slogan "When You're Here, You're Family" in favor of the simple "Go Olive Garden." While the old slogan was incredibly cheesy to the point of being disingenuous, at least the marketing folks put more than a cigarette break's worth of time into it. "Go Olive Garden?" It's like the company has given up on creative sayings -- just like it long ago gave up on really innovative menu items.

Olive Garden clearly needs some help if it's going to have a better slogan. Keep reading for our five new slogans for Olive Garden. And here's a sixth: "When you have beer, you're family." See also: - Five things Olive Garden should dump...now - My top five full-service chain restaurant meals

5. Olive Garden -- Hepatitis Scare Free Since 2011!

This slogan is upbeat and confident, and has the added bonus of being absolutely true. A location in Fayetteville, North Carolina had a hepatitis A scare in August 2011 when a server tested positive for hepatitis A and alerted management, resulting in local health officials vaccinating 2,700 people, some of whom graciously decided to file a class-action suit against the company. True, no one contracted hepatitis from the scare, but since when have pertinent facts ever gotten in the way of a potentially juicy restaurant lawsuit? This slogan idea sends a positive message to the dining public that Olive Garden is the place to eat, especially if you have stellar health-care benefits.

4. Olive Garden -- Marginally Better Than Fazoli's!

Again, this slogan has the ring of truth. While both Fazoli's and Olive Garden have similarities -- spaghetti, lasagna, fettuccine Alfredo and endless breadsticks -- Olive Garden has a few amenities that Fazoli's does not offer: non-plastic silverware, for example, as well as more than two dessert choices and actual table service. But Fazoli's comes out on top in portion sizes, cost and overall value, so if it weren't for those delicious little chocolate mints that Olive Garden gives out with the checks, these restaurants would be in a virtual deadlock. The Olive Garden marketing team can and should capitalize on the fact that they have a narrow margin of victory --especially if they are considering downsizing those mints.

3. Olive Garden -- you can eat here even if you don't have gift cards!

It's a good thing that so many people lack imagination -- and gift-giving motivation -- during the holiday season, because if it weren't for those $25 gift cards available for purchase in grocery store checkout lines, Olive Garden might not be quite as popular as it is. The idea of dining at an Olive Garden even if you have already used up your Christmas gift cards is a fairly novel concept, but if this marketing slogan is really pushed and backed by a few television ads featuring people using actual money to pay for food at an OG, the chain might succeed at getting folks to dine there past January.

2. Olive Garden -- winning! Olive Garden should be more like Charlie Sheen. Every time that crazy f*cker is plagued with drug/alcohol/prostitute/divorce/legal trouble/Goddess/bad-year-at-work hangovers, he pulls the classic move and fakes it 'til he makes it by pretending to have his sh*t together, when in reality he's puking up vodka, stripper body glitter and hunks of his own liver in a bus-station bathroom while the cops are pounding on the door. Olive Garden isn't doing so hot right now -- both sales and guest counts are down, there hasn't been an original thought regarding the food in well over a decade -- so aat this point, the marketing staff should seriously consider stealing a few pages from Sheen's playbook of public perception.

1. Olive Garden -- we got all-you-can-eat breadsticks motherf*ckers!

If there is one constant that Olive Garden can count on, it's that the dining public loves its bottomless baskets of liquid margarine-smeared, garlic salt-laden breadsticks. Endless bread with meal purchase is about as good as it gets for customer incentive, so it only makes sense for Olive Garden to play this up as much and as often as it possibly can -- especially since the unimaginative entrees, terrible fake Roman décor and alley-swill house wines aren't gonna get paying customers through the doors.

If the advertising geniuses really want to channel Rome, then they should bring on the bread and circuses: hand customers buckets of breadsticks at the doors, put industrial-sized pump jugs of free Alfredo and marinara sauces at every table, and have servers periodically go through the dining room, flinging breadsticks into the air so that customers can catch them in their mouths like gluttonous dolphins at Sea World, and then send them home with grocery bags filled with bread so that they get hooked and come back when they are strung out and desperate.

That would be a campaign with some bite! Go, Olive Garden.

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