Swallow this: Cookbook uses semen as main ingredient

Keep Westword Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Denver and help keep the future of Westword free.

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. Ah, poor neglected semen.

If you're still reading this, we salute you. That forward, quoted above, is a snippet from the introduction to Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes. Looking at the sperm-loaded flan gracing the cover is a little like watching someone projectile vomit a case of beer and ten grilled cheese sandwiches: It's both utterly disgusting and intriguing. Author Fotie Photenhauer released his culinary cum collection in 2008, and the book is available for twenty-five bones online.

Worried about STDs? Make sure you know where your ingredient comes from, Photenhauer advises. Finding quality jizz? Not a problem, he says. As long as the spunk you're obtaining is "properly harvested," it should be good to go. Semen is "complex and dynamic," like a fine wine, he writes. Or ten shots of Jack Daniels and the backseat of an '86 Grand Prix. Whatever works. And if you think about it, it doesn't get more local than this. Really.

If nothing else, the book slides into the same shudder-inducing grotesque entertainment category as Jackass and Fear Factor. Recipes include the strawberry splasharita cocktail (blended and drizzled with semen), spunky candied pecans, creamy cum cakes, and the almost White Russian. Even more hilarious are the book review comments, including this winner from Wreckless Media Radio:

This book is like a godsend for our family. Two months ago we lost our house to the bank and we are as good as broke. All of us live in a trailer now. That's me, my wife and seven kids... plus my wife's parents. Food is expensive and before I got this book we were eating canned dog food four times a week to cut the cost of living.

BUT... thankfully we began to eat cum! It's been three weeks that all the boys including my father in-law, the old codger, deliver top-notch daily drainings of fresh ball sap. My wife and my mother in-law collect the milky distillate straight from our stiff meat into glass jars and store these in the fridge. Every Sunday they turn the scrumptious gook into lip-smacking cum recipes!

Happy cooking.

Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.


Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.