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Delegating Denver: The 56 Faces of the Democratic National Convention

Tuesday, July 29, 2008 at 2:15 p.m.

All Alabamians wear crimson-colored accessories that feature a bold letter "A," which further highlights their Alabamaness. 1/56

the men of Alaska will remove their Carhartt parkas during the daylight hours, but Alaskan women are fond of wearing their spaghetti-strapped flower-print dresses over red union suits the whole day through. 2/56

Underneath, all Arizonans, from Alice Cooper to John McCain, love to wear the latest thongs and g-strings from "Parr of Arizona." 4/56

Like hermit crabs moving into abandoned shells, Arkansas Democrats easily adopt the issues and values of Republicans when their survival is essential. 5/56

Large groups of delegates typically surround the Californians, especially if the outer delegates are from the primary California-worshiping states of Colorado, Florida, Arizona, Tennessee and Massachusetts. 6/56

Colorado delegates are hard to see, especially if theyre standing behind a streetlight or a trash can, because Colorado residents tend to be thinner than the average American. 7/56

Prepare to be astonished. Despite the gender-specific clothing worn by delegates from Connecticut, their facial and physical features are absolutely gender-neutral. 8/56

Dems Abroad are the luckiest of all the delegates. They draw their ranks from Peace Corps volunteers, embassy personnel, artists and glamorous Hollywood movie stars. 10/56

The District of Columbia is a misanthropic metropolis that is both cosmopolitan and conservative. Delegates will avoid eye contact when out on the street, but they are judiciously cordial in areas that require them to wear name tags. 11/56

Floridians are unfamiliar with public transportation of any kind, so any delegates seen laughing while riding Denver's light rail or mall shuttle are probably delegates who think theyre on an amusement park ride. 12/56

Everyone hates Georgia, and they always have. That's why Gone With the Wind has been America's all-time favorite movie. 13/56

Telltale signs of the Guam delegate will include the need for a down coat whenever the temperature dips below 86 degrees Fahrenheit. 14/56

The descendants of the early Hawaiians, who tossed human sacrifices into the mouths of molten volcanos, are now believed to be employees of global hotel chains, and they deal with tourists in a much more passive (aggressive) manner. 15/56

Just google the phrase "strange + Idaho" and prepare to get busy reading stories about straight senators seeking gay sex, Jews who are white supremacists and drunks who drive with live deer in their trunks.. 16/56

The dont call it the windy city for nothing: Prairie Staters simply will not shut up. Look for delegates who start each of their thoughts with a rhetorical question, which they will quickly answer, citing numerous examples punctuated with pithy observations and inside jokes. 17/56

Indiana delegates will exude an overwhelming presence of "vanilla" but will give themselves away with socially awkward comments. 18/56

Iowa is the smartest state in the union, topping the annual list for national ACT and SAT scores. Thats only fitting, since the national ACT offices are in Iowa City. 19/56

Kansas State Nickname: the Sunflower State (official); the Land of Oz, Bleeding Kansas, the Squatter State, Midway U.S.A., the Grasshopper State (unofficial). 20/56

Kentuckians claim to be the most stylish of all Southerners, which apparently means dressing like extras from the 1995 movie "Clueless," but only for the annual weekly festivities of the Kentucky Derby , and then it's back to the jeans and University of Kentucky jerseys. 21/56

Louisiana delegates will be easy to identify in Denver. They'll be the jaywalkers wearing plush outfits of gold, green and purple, laden with plastic beads and carrying "go cups" filled with ice-cold Hurricanes and Hand Grenades. 22/56

Most Americans' perception of Maine starts at the Discount Outlet Stores in Kittery and ends at the parking lot of the Discount Outlet Stores in Freeport. 23/56

Maryland delegates will dress the part, with males showing a preference for the pleated-front performance golf slacks by homegrown clothier JoS. A. Banks and females displaying a fondness for Under Armour Advantage skirts and polo sets. 24/56

During the convention, look for Massachusetts delegates to be wearing their tiny-bit-too-snug 2007 World Series Championship T-shirts. It is as much a display of pride as it is an effort to provoke the locals. 25/56

Michigan has a lot to answer for. Two of the nation's greatest problems, aside from Mitt Romney and Madonna, can be blamed on industries based in Michigan. 26/56

Minnesotans sure seem nice on the outside, but inside they are a lukewarm hot dish of passive-aggressiveness. 27/56

Due to a prolonged history of ill-timed natural disasters and social injustice, Mississippi today is the poorest state in the nation. Fortunately, that poverty has created a form of super-human state resident. 28/56

At the 2008 Democratic Convention, Missourians will be the most sentimental delegates, instantly recognized for their enthusiasm to sing along with street musicians and volunteer for hay rides and hoedowns. 29/56

On average, there are only seven Montanans per square mile of Big Sky Country, and despite being surrounded by all that space and scenic splendor, none of them get along. 30/56

There will be no more laughing when the Cornhuskers are in command. After all, this is the birthplace of both Kool-Aid and Dick Cheney, and for Democrats, these names are synonymous with suicide missions. 31/56

Nevadans like to claim that their state was named for the Spanish word that means "covered in snow." This, of course, seems deliberately misleading to anyone who has visited Las Vegas during the summer. 32/56

Live Free or Die is the motto that New Hampshirites use to project their image of fierce independence. In truth, it briefly explains the state's tax code. 33/56

In many ways, the state of New Mexico is the original roadhouse where aliens from new and ancient cultures have converged to misinterpret and exploit one another's delusions in their search for bliss. 35/56

They are the original multi-taskers and will be the delegates who are trying to "hail cabs" and "get some service over here" while telling all within earshot about how much better everything is back in New York. 36/56

Be careful not to compliment delegates outfits by saying "How nice!," because that's the expressions North Carolinians use to say "Fuck you!" 37/56

North Dakota is filled with such contradictions. For example, the state is home to the International Peace Garden, but the park is surrounded by 150 Minuteman nuclear-missile silos. And the state's two United States senators and governor are all members of the Democratic Non-Partisan League Party, which was actually founded by Republican farmers. 38/56

If the state of Connecticut married the state of Kentucky, their baby would be the state of Ohio. 39/56

Despite the state's culture and politics being heavenly influenced by Jesus, Oral Roberts University and Billy James Hargis Ministries, Oklahoma can't claim to be the "Buckle" of the Bible Belt 40/56

Oregon is a beautiful landscape populated by slackers. Since the opening of the Oregon Trail, the state has always been considered the bright-new-beginning destination of choice for the disgruntled ne'er-do-wells of American mythology. 41/56

it is Pennsylvania residents who have given the state's two largest cities the nicknames of Filthadelphia and Shittsburgh, and they call the space in between them Pigsylvania. And it's not just the pot-holed roads and the slate-gray skies that make them so moody; it's the food. 42/56

Puerto Rico probably should have dumped America a long time ago, but like all sexy long-distance relationships, there have been "benefits" for both parties. 43/56

Rhode Islanders are the third-thinnest of all U.S. residents, which is a miracle, considering that there is a Dunkin Donuts shop on every corner in the state. 44/56

The tourism slogan of "Smiling Faces, Beautiful Places" is just a poetic figure of speech for this state's ability to "grin and bear it." South Carolinians have not had it easy. 45/56

In Denver, South Dakotans will be the delegates demanding that the 2008 convention be used to rewrite party rules and end the nonsense of super delegate corruption once and for all. Females will wear bright-red or blue blazers with unmatched slacks, accessorized with scarves tied around their necks. Males will wear odd combinations of polyester slacks and leather shirts or vice-versa. 46/56

America's fascination with the Volunteer state has been nothing short of all-encompassing and everlasting. Even the derogatory jokes -- duct tape is "Tennessee chrome," and fashions from Lane Bryant are "Tennessee shower curtains" -- are just the clumsy swats of envious Ohioans and Michiganders wishing to relocate. 47/56

This state may be huge and populous, but the Lone Star mystique can be summed up in the image of George W. Bush and Jessica Simpson driving a Ford F-150 pickup to the corner fireworks stand, where they stop and shop with one hand while carrying a six-shooter in the other. 48/56

Utah liquor laws have been somewhat relaxed since the 2002 Salt Lake Winter Olympics, and polygamists are rarely seen outside of the Costco in St. George. Forget weird and wacky: The news about Utahns is their steadfast willingness to assist a stranger. 49/56

True Vermonters are more rare than a warm welcome in a Northeast Kingdom ski town. But don't call these independent individuals unfriendly: Theyre just too busy fighting off McMansions and Wal-Marts to befriend idiot transplants in search of a fictitious Utopia. 50/56

The Virgin Islands' beautiful white-sand beaches gave explorers a perfect spot to lay out their towels and gawk at one another's booties. And that's how America's cruise vacation industry began! 51/56

The feud between the NoVAs and the SoVAs, as they are most frequently called, started 143 years ago, when carpetbaggers decided to relocate to Arlington, Virginia, after Reconstruction. Shocked SoVAs, weakened by a lack of air-conditioning and a bounty of mint juleps, were powerless to do anything beyond griping and social snubbing. 52/56

Washingtonians will be extremely polite and helpful, but don't expect to exchange personal information. As the saying goes, they are as "warm as a Washington winter." 53/56

If a Sasquatch sighting is ever confirmed, it will no doubt happen in West Virginia. There already are rumors circulating that the state's governor, Joe Manchin III, is actually a shaved version of a yeti creature whose policies benefit only him and his Sasquatch cronies. 54/56

Across the nation, the symptoms of severe depression often include the binge-drinking of cheap beer, the over-eating of fried foods and the complete lack of interest in meeting people. But "up nort," these are just considered the most popular ways to show "Wisconsin Pride." 55/56

The majority of Wyomingites are uneducated, foul-mouthed cretins who look like toothless meth addicts out on parole. But those are just the Republicans.. 56/56

Delegating Denver: The 56 Faces of the Democratic National Convention

For the past year, cartoonist Kenny Be has studied the 56 delegations headed to Denver for the Democratic National Convention, and shared his research results in a weekly cartoon, "Delegating Denver." Click through to find your delegation's cartoon, and follow the links to read his trusty field guides for each group.