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Wook Out!

Thursday, April 5, 2018 at 7:05 a.m.

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters January 9, 2017: A BRAVE NEW WOOK: PROLOGUE The year is 2087. Those without the hettiest of dreads are branded as "Squares" and relegated to the darkest corners of society. By using crystal magic, the Wooks have risen up and overthrown the earth. Each Wook is emblazoned at birth with a hella-tite microchipped Stealy tat that monitors their Kredits. Kredits are awarded daily for acts of Wookery, and may be used to purchase dabs, corndogs, or American Spirits from dayglo kiosks that cling to every corner of their filthy streets. Checkpoints are scattered across the Wookscape, scanning for Squares, measuring dreadlocks, and checking personal inventories. Anyone caught without their state-mandated k-spoon and dab torch are immediately drained of their Kredits and their dreadlocks are summarily dismantled. Back to square one. Back to live with the Squares. We are the Squares. Some of us were born this way, others are disenfranchised Wooks seeking their revenge. We want our world back. The air is thick with sweat and warm beer, and the nights echo endlessly with shitty dubstep. It has been foretold that the days of the Wook are numbered—that a chosen one among us will rise up to defeat them in a final battle. This time, it is WE who need a miracle. **EDIT** Thanks for all the love, hunters! Stay tuned for EPISODE ONE: THE AWOOKENING, coming soon. PS: I LOVE ill.Gates and his music. I simply borrowed his aesthetic from this particular image to illustrate this narrative, and mean him no disrespect at all. Title Credit: Travis B Clark, Cait Barton, and Carl Cole **EDIT** Credit to: Gary Wheat 1/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters June 28, 2016: A tribute to a wook hunter of long, long ago. Before we had the privilege of sharing trophies on Facebook, sportsmen braved the wild safari not for the lulz, but in the name of science and progress. Though trepidation in his eyes is evident, the 24 pointer uses body language to assure the hunter he means no harm. This magnificent specimen was tagged and released back into the wild. 2/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters April 24, 2017: One night I deemed out hard as fuck… I was stumbling along the beach with my Patchwork Jesus. Many lasers from the Biscuit’s sunrise set flashed across the sky. In the light from each beam, I noticed wookprints in the sand.... 4/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters October 28, 2016: Unbelievable. Flying into Vegas for Phish this weekend and we truly hit the jackpot with this one. This creature was the last on the plane, he held up takeoff, mumbled incoherent noises about seeing “Phischo” and was refused the very first drink he ordered. But the wtf holy grail moment of his wookery culminated on him accidentally ripping open a bag of mystery powder from his shoe, which unloaded on the passengers, seat and floor around him. As he attempted to clean it up by rubbing it into everything it landed on, I snagged a photo of a full paw print of powder wiped onto this fucking jackalope’s leg. Bagged, tagged and released into Vegas for him to go rage Bisco without his drugs. Wow. 5/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters March 4, 2016: Breaking News: The Origin of all Colorado Wooks found! I, like many of you, have a passion for hunting wooks. However, after many years of hunting my enjoyment of the sport waned. After witnessing their destructiveness I became obsessed with the idea of completely eliminating the species from our shared planet, and to do that I knew I must start by finding the origin of the great Colorado Wook. Let me explain: While you all have been bagging and tagging wooks one by one, my energy was being poured into finding the source of the seemingly never ending stream of new Colorado Wooks. After studying the "breeding" behaviors at festivals, I began to notice that wooks typically pass out before breeding can take place. After conducting various population studies, I found that pregnant wooks and child wooks were far too rare to account for the never-ending supply of full grown adult wooks. It’s as if they seemingly just appear. I then started working on a theory that Wooks are not born in the traditional way other mammals are, instead they are “manifested” by unnatural means. I began to think that there must be a single place that wooks are materialized into this world. I set out on a quest to find the origin of the Colorado Wook. My quest took me all over this state. I searched the mountains and valleys, the cities and towns, Sancho’s and Quixote’s. Finally, through my research, I stumbled upon some strange conspiracy theories about Denver International Airport and some supposed secret government facilities or even a New World Order secret base. Upon investigating DIA, I noticed many strange things that just did not add up. But mostly I noticed the evil blue horse with those glowing red eyes. I could not get the thought of that scary animal out of my head, I even dreamt about that horse. After researching the horse I found out that the sculptor himself was killed by his own creation. I began to ponder the information that I had found. Could this evil horse be hiding something? Could the secret gov’t facilities at DIA and the horse be connected? Was the sculptor really killed by an accident or did those who wanted to keep their secret safe assassinate him? I finally went out to investigate for myself. I could instantly feel a certain eeriness in the air. As I approached closer than any know human has ever been known to go, I witnessed for myself, the most unbelievable sight I’ve ever seen; a new adult wook entering our world. This photo shows the absolute origin of the Colorado Wook. This changes everything! This evil blue monster literally acts like a queen bee, pumping out fully functioning adult wooks at an estimated rate of three a day! However, I estimate this can rise to as many as 100 a day during the week of WSP at Red Rocks. The large blue balls pictured are full of Ketamollicaine laced semen that is used in the formation of the wook embryo. The gestation period of 8 hours is enough time for the embryo to mature into an adult wook. The “veins” pictured are actually where the dreads are grown and pushed into the womb. An internal process then attaches the dreads to the head of the embryotic wook just before it is pushed out of the “birthing hole” located just above the pictured blue balls and hidden from public view by the large blue tail. Once the Wook falls from the “birthing hole” it simply stands up, lights up a cig and starts its journey to Colfax. I believe this is the most groundbreaking discovery in the history of wook hunting. However, this also shows that we may be on to something much bigger than we realized; I believe that a secret, clandestine government operation is actually responsible for producing the wooks that wreak havoc on our state. I advise all of you to start watching your back and to also start investigating other regions for similar “Wook Manifesting holes.” Meanwhile I will start putting together a team to plan a way to destroy the origin of the wook. Be careful out there folks, it seems we actually may know very little about the species we all study and hunt. 6/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters April 25, 2017: The seldom seen Wook Nest. Peacefully hibernating burden of wook... smells like bigfoot's dick. 8/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters March 5, 2018: This Okee wook was spotted showing off his rare markings he earned as a young Sun-Wook. Although rare, can be spotted more frequently in the coming warmer months 9/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters February 28, 2018: Upon a four day hunting excursion we had almost lost all hope in sighting our first wild wook. When we finally caught word from a local that he was seen near the shore galavanting with his four legged friends. Needless to say we didn't have to look hard, due to the fact that we found a trail of blotter and green nuggets leading us right to our prize catch. Bagged and tagged. 10/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters November 15, 2017: WookTrick #32854 - save money on dog leashes 11/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters November 10, 2017: CBGTWH Wook Hunter Journal #589372: Yesterday afternoon I decided to head into Berkeley... I stopped to buy an over priced coffee for me and my friend. I waited what seemed a lifetime for two cups of coffee then suddenly... A stench arose in the room! and I was first more concerned with making my coffee, the stench lingered it smelled like the time I caught 3 racoons in garbage and had to clean up bags of trash. ... I was like WtF? Seeing as I have been to a few festivals I knew the smell... holy mother of Shitlocks! I turned around to see this once in a lifetime opportunity to bag n tag a rare copwook. I was in awe when this buck approached me within shot range. First I saw his Berkeley uniform, then I saw low level wook dreadlocks + dubstep haircut. He was rocking multiple hair styles so he could traverse throughout the scenes. His nostrils flared a few times and I saw him mimic the ancient mating ritual! In full uniform even , I thought to myself "This buck was training himself to infiltrate wook encampments, but then he was becoming a wook too?" In a puzzled frenzy I whipped my phone out and grabbed a photo of him. It goes to show that even cops can come to envy wooks after wook exposure, that's why it's important to not hang out with wooks, unless you too want to have shit locks. Bagged N tagged and released back to the streets of Berkeley. 12/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters June 2, 2017: This man won Scamp, spotted repeatedly and officially Bagged & Tagged, well done hunters! 13/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters May 16, 2017: Bagged and tagged this wook staring at his rice and beans like it was the second coming of Christ. 14/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters February 24, 2017: It was 7:30 am at Sonic Bloom when we woke up to find a relatively large lump underneath our tent. "What is this lump?" we ask. "Is it a prairie dog?" No. Too big to be a prairie dog. "Is it a bear?" No. Too small to be a bear. Unaware of what type of creature could possibly be burrowing underneath our tent, we escort our fellow campsite patrons to the lump to help us determine the species. The creature soon awakens and begins to groan and mumble words like "fuck" and "where am I?" It was then that we realized the creature could be none other than a dirty, dirty wook. Being a kind and reasonable hunter/human being at the time, we let the wook rest for a bit before enough was enough. I lifted the bottom of the tent to find the wook disheveled and disoriented. As I bent down to tell him that he needed to get the fuck out, an ungodly stench permeated from his underpants. This wook shit himself. Underneath our tent. He shamefully scurried from the underbelly of our tent, completely pants-less with his own wook poop all over him. Without a word spoken, the spunion shuffled swiftly into the abyss of tents and we were left to clean wook feces (arguably the worst kind of poop) off the bottom of our tent. Beware of burrowers, hunters! This trophy wook will forever go down in history as Poopy Spunion. Poopy Spunion, if you're in here, fuck you. Bagged and tagged. 15/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters August 25, 2017: The great mystical wook was spotted at The Global Eclipse Gathering. Able to Traverse 24 hours box office lines the legs of this mystical wook allow it long distance and endurance like no wook of Colorado ever could. We wanted to track this rare creature so we bagged and tagged it with a sticker so that everybody could see that this was truly some big game! 16/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters March 21, 2018: This doe crafted a new way to carry her belongings during migration. 19/20

Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters March 29, 2017: Reminder: Not ALL wooks have dreads... 20/20

Wook Out!

There's a growing worldwide phenomenon that started right here in Colorado: wook hunting. In this week's cover story, "Wooks, Watch Out!," we present the origin story of a viral Facebook page with over 120,000 members, who post pictures and descriptions of "bagging and tagging" wooks — people who look like hippies while also acting like "asshats" at places such as music festivals. We've compiled some of our favorite photos of trophy takes, complete with their hunters' descriptions, courtesy the official Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunters page.