Audio By Carbonatix
Thursday, January 20, was a bad day for Denver liberals.
George W. Bush was inaugurated into his second term as President of the United States, obliterating any lingering shards of hope that have comforted Democratic diehards for the past two months. It was time to finally accept that neither divine intervention nor the discovery of a cache of uncounted Kerry votes somewhere in Dayton would change the election outcome. At the State Capitol, an anti-Bush “counter coronation,” staged by the 3 November Movement, had all the sizzle of a frozen sausage patty on the griddle at IHOP. A dozen activists milled around in white “America in Mourning” T-shirts as a couple hundred people clapped politely for speakers from Planned Parenthood. Mild-mannered Vietnam vets waved flags and handmade signs. Finding no one to arrest, a cop squatted down to pet somebody’s golden retriever.
After an hour or so, most of the crowd packed up their signs and went back to work. Those remaining headed to the Breakdown Book Collective on Ogden Street for a community forum on inauguration-related post-traumatic stress disorder, and discovered a piece of plywood covering the former front window. The night before, a short guy with a handlebar moustache had been spotted smashing the glass; it was later decided that he must have been a Republican. (Note to aspiring thieves: Radical leftist bookstores do not make the most lucrative smash-and-grab destinations. The mustachioed villain walked off with about twenty dollars’ worth of small-press paperbacks.)
While protesters mourned Bush’s second term and Breakdown’s broken glass, the Denver Police Department was getting down to business on East Colfax Avenue. It seems that the National Western Stock Show not only draws bull riders and buckle bunnies, but also out-of-state hookers looking to take advantage of the annual event’s economic boon.
“We have a lot of people from out of town, and a lot of out-of-town girls on Colfax,” said Officer A.D. Slaughter, who works the strip Playboy once called the “longest, wickedest street in America.” “And, of course, the out-of-state guests come to visit them.”
So the District 2 man in blue decided to put them on notice. Slaughter got the Colorado Department of Transportation to loan the city a pair of its large message signs, which were then posted at two locations between January 20 and January 23, the final day of the Stock Show. The sign at Colfax and Clermont Street, where Slaughter announced the program, proclaimed (in English and Spanish), “Warning! Beware! Crime Free Zone Ahead.”
Although we’re not sure the gentle reminder that drugs and hooking are illegal slowed the steady traffic to Denver’s street of sin, Slaughter still gets an A for effort.
“I think they’re going to pay heed,” he said. “At least I hope they will. We’re getting complaints about the girls working in businesses’ lots or doing their deeds and then depositing the used condoms in neighbors’ back yards.”
And for a little extra credit, Slaughter might want to add some star power to his campaign during All-Star Weekend next month. How about having Denny Neagle make an appearance to discuss how a $40 blow job could wind up costing $19 million?
Scene and heard: The Children’s Museum has had an extreme makeover, finally ditching the teal-and-maroon color scheme that had made the building standing to the side of I-25 in the Platte Valley look like a Miami Vice set. The new palette is primary colors, all yellow, blue and red. “It reflects our mission to be more playful and attractive to children,” says museum spokeswoman Maggie Kuo. Hope those kids don’t learn that the ’80s are in again — fashion can be so fickle.
On the Record
United Airlines keeps circling in bankruptcy court, but at least we can look forward to Hooters Air taking off. Starting January 31, Hooters will offer flights between Denver International Airport and Rockford, Illinois. Everyones just clamoring to visit that bastion of urbanity, of course, and only two more stops will get you to New York. Still, a Hooters plane has to offer better entertainment than your average in-flight movie, so Off Limits was eager to land an interview with Hooters Air president Mark Peterson. Among other things, he revealed that the almost-world-famous Hooters Girls will grace every flight in uniform!
Q. Why Denver? It doesnt seem like there would be much demand for a flight from Denver to Rockford.
A. Well, Hooters Air is slowly taking over the country. This is our first move out West, and when we created a partnership with the city of Rockford, this is one of the destinations that they asked us to fly. Plus, Denver is just a great Hooters town.
Q. Will you be serving wings?
A. We do serve real food on the planes, and we keep playing with it. A lot depends on what catering we can get at the airports. Hooters does have wings you can buy that are more like a TV dinner, but what we put on the plane has to reflect what you can get in the restaurant. So we have tried wings, but when we put things on the plane, were very concerned about quality.
Q. So there will be both flight attendants and Hooters Girls on the planes. What do the Hooters Girls do? Do they have any special flight training?
A. We have a professional flight crew, and the flight attendants are trained. The Hooters Girls are straight out of the restaurants, and they are essentially additional passengers as far as the airline is concerned. They have no safety training; theyre more to entertain the passengers. Theyll be doing promotional things some serving, product giveaways, some games.
Q. The Hooters Girls on the Denver flights are all from Rockford. Why cant the Denver girls get any love?
A. Well, thats where the plane originates. But schedules always change, so theres always opportunity.