Audio By Carbonatix
Tina Peters has some work to do. Specifically, community service.
That was only part of the sentence handed down to the former Mesa County Clerk and unfathomably benighted election denier, who was found guilty in early March of misdemeanor obstruction of a government operation. In addition to 120 hours of community service, she was also ordered to serve four months of home detention with an ankle monitor and pay a $750 fine.
Not that she’ll be complying anytime soon – after all, Peters is nothing if not accustomed to the denial of reality. This time, she’s supported by her attorney, Harvey Steinberg, who persuaded the judge to stay the sentence after handing it down, pending the filing of an appeal. Not to mention other pending charges regarding tampering with election equipment.
In this case, the judgment stems from Peters’s arrest in February 2022 at a Grand Junction bagel shop, after she scuffled with Colorado investigators attempting to execute a search warrant to seize an iPad she was carrying.
Mug shot of Tina Peters.
According to the affidavit, Peters refused to cooperate, and when officers tried to move her out of their way, she “actively” resisted. A jury acquitted her of obstructing a police officer, but found her guilty on the lesser charge.
So now it’s the orange jumpsuit and side of the road for Colorado’s most infamous election denier. Or is it?
Fortunately for Peters, picking up trash on a random highway isn’t the only community service she can provide. Here are some real-life, no-kidding possibilities for Peters to help wipe the red from her ledger:
American Red Cross Mile High
There are lots of ways Tina Peters could help serve the public through the American Red Cross – and after failing to serve the public good in the position to which she was elected, it seems appropriate. One of the biggest needs the Red Cross has is its Disaster Relief Action Team, which responds quickly to the needs of families displaced by emergent situations. With the fire season coming up fast, Tina, you’ll unfortunately be needed, and soon. Might be time to help rectify disasters instead of causing them, yeah?
Arc Thrift Stores
Arc bills itself as one of Colorado’s “largest employers of people with Down syndrome, autism, cerebral palsy, and many other intellectual and developmental disabilities.” And the nonprofit does it by taking in all the clothes, shoes, books, toys, kitchen items, furniture, decor, electronics and household items from the garages, basements, crawl spaces and storage units of Coloradans who’ve had enough of their stuff. Tina, you’d do a great job sorting through the clothing that gets dropped off, separating the sellable from the too-far-gone. After all, you’ve had a lot of experience with the airing of dirty laundry.
Colorado Talking Book Library
You’ve become adept at creating and standing by some pretty big works of fiction, telling them over and over again. But your audience has been dwindling since people have come to understand that most of what you say is horseshit. So here’s a great opportunity for you to put that love for lying…er, storytelling…to use. Bonus: As long as you stick to the script, these folks will perhaps be the only audience left in Colorado that’s not wholly sick of hearing what comes out of your mouth.
Denver Rescue Mission
You claim to be religious. A believer. So you must see the relevance in volunteering for the Denver Rescue Mission. Heck, it’s got that big neon cross on Park Avenue and Lawrence Street, and you’re on record claiming your legal issues are a “spiritual battle,” and that the district attorney and judge are “evil, very, very evil” and “don’t follow the same God that we do.” But you don’t believe that anymore, do you? After all, Jesus likes winners. Watch any sports tournament, and you’ll see: Only the winners thank Jesus. You’ll need to get back in the good graces of the J-man, maybe wash some feet like Christ did in John 13:1-17. You might have lost your way in starting to think the My Pillow guy was your avenue to salvation.
Food Bank of the Rockies
Feeding the hungry might be the most basic way to serve the public. After everything you’ve done in the last few years, the perversion of public service that you attempted to perpetrate, it might do your heart – clearly several sizes too small – some good to just give a needy kid a sandwich. Or, you know, stack cans in a warehouse.
Goodwill of Colorado
Goodwill is a lot like Arc – similar setups, similar needs, but it knows what’s up in terms of court-ordered community service. It has an application process specifically for that right on its website, and is serious enough about it to reserve the right to turn you down…so best foot forward. Fingers crossed you pass muster.
Habitat for Humanity
You might not ever be able to redeem yourself to a level where you can rightfully be compared to the good-hearted service of Jimmy Carter…but hey, Habitat isn’t willing to just hand you a hammer and a hard hat, anyway. All of the court-ordered community service happens at ReStore locations, which raise money for construction by reselling donated building materials. But those 120 hours will fly by, and after that, maybe you’ll be inspired to learn some framing and roofing and basic electric. You know: useful stuff that people actually need.
Project Angel Heart
Another organization that has the court-ordered thing down cold – delivering meals and human contact to the isolated, ill and infirm. There’s not much that’s more selfless. And selfless would be a good look for you, a nice change from would-be victim of an imagined anti-Trump police force, someone only seeking to stoke outrage for wrongly perceived persecution. Nobody likes that look, which is probably why you lost the Republican primary for secretary of state by over 88,000 votes.
Volunteers for Outdoors Colorado
VOC is, to put it simply, all about environmental stewardship. You should look up that word: stewardship. It’s what you were supposed to be doing for our democracy as clerk. But it’s not too late to be a good steward in another way: by taking care of trails, planting trees, maintaining parks. You couldn’t quite get the hang of serving the people of Colorado; maybe start with squirrels and work your way up.
We Don’t Waste
Sure, the name of this organization refers to the wasting of food – salvaging still-good produce and food from the restaurant industry and passing it along to feed the hungry. Good work; inspiring and important. But there’s a double meaning here, one to which you might want to pay attention: Don’t waste your opportunity to make right what you made wrong, to serve the public in real ways instead of the self-aggrandizing power-grab stuff you’ve been doing. In short, don’t consider your 120 hours of community service as a punishment. Consider it an invitation to start down that long and worthy path to absolution. Make your mea culpa mean something.
