With Canada Day (tomorrow, although celebrations are starting today) and the 4th of July (Monday) so close together, it's important to do what Americans do best: compare our independence day to that of our neighbors and observe that once again, our shit kicks way more ass than other countries' shit. Fuck yeah. While Canadians will spend tomorrow singing "O Canada," curling and saying "excuse me" when bumping drunkingly into one another to avoid bar fights and street brawls, America will be busy getting ready for a full three-day weekend of burning shit, blowing shit up, fisticuffs and, possibly, drunk driving. We don't know yet -- we'll have to see how much ass we feel like kicking. So in honor of our favorite lady, Lady Liberty, here's a nod to the top five reasons 4th of July kicks Canada Day's ass. "O Canada" sucks Have you ever listened to "O Canada"? Well, let me be the first to tell you, if you have not, that the song pretty much sucks. It drones on with the type of monotonous similitude one would expect from a boring church hymn -- except on your country's independence day you're supposed to be rocking out, not sitting in church. Take the "Star Spangled Banner", for a counterexample. It's epic. The only people who can sing it are professional singers, and even they screw it up. And that twenty second hold on "free"? Our national anthem even kicks our own asses. Canadians are too law-abiding to light their own fireworks Canada has fireworks on their independence day, too, but they all gather in public places and celebrate like law-abiding citizens. Yawn. Americans will go buy their own fireworks and light them (often drunkenly) from their back yards. No back yard? We'll light them in the street. Cops coming? Move to another street. No fireworks in your state? Drive to the next state (thanks, Wyoming!). Because we're problem-solvers down here, not pansy-ass authority-lovers. Everyone knows Canadians can't barbeque Everyone. Ask any American where to find the best BBQ and that American will tell you it's in the South. Not the south of Canada -- the real South. Our BBQ has been marinating for days, has more spices than twenty average-sized Canadian families have children and will be served with such awesome American delectables as potato salad, cole slaw, corn on the cob and marshmallow salad (don't ask what's in it; just eat it). Oh, and washed down with apple pie, which brings us to the next point. No apple pie No goddamn apple pie! Finish this sentence: It's as Canadian as ______. No, the answer wasn't "bending over for the man." There isn't an answer. Because if you ask a Canadian for apple pie on Canada Day, you'll get a, "Oh, sorry, but we don't have any, doncha know. What aboot some nice ham" or whatever they eat instead of bacon. Unacceptable, Canada. Completely unacceptable. My forefathers, well not mine because my family's full of immigrants, but somebody's forefathers fought hard so that I could eat spiced baked apples in delicious flaky pastry. Yum. Canada's not even independent Oh, nice independence day, Canada. Who's that on your money? What's that? Your royal national anthem is still 'God Save the Queen?' Oh, the queen's still your head of state? Pshaw, Canada. What language do you speak in Quebec? Why do your policemen (and women) still dress like they're part of the old country? Oh, yah. Because you're not really independent. Check out our greenbacks, son. Check out how much we bastardized English. English people can't even tell it's English -- that's how awesome we are. The Queen? We don't even know who you're talking about. And our policemen (and women)? Dressed to kick your ass. Sans stupid hat, thank you very much.
Nice try, Canada. You should probably just give up and come down here for the weekend. We'll show you how it's done.
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