Five sluttiest Halloween costumes for teen girls

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A recent stroll through the popular teen retail store Hot Topic got me all geared up for Halloween. Seeing the skeleton jewelry, the fake blood-splattered wedding veils and tiaras and the slashed-up fake body parts gave me a warm feeling in my heart. Then I scoped the female costumes and saw some real gems in this year's collection: slutty animals, slutty maids, schoolgirls and superheroes, slutty Hello Kitty, slutty zombies and brides.

Now, I'm the last person in the world to eschew slutty costumes -- although I'd like to see more slutty male costumes -- but Hot Topic is a teen retail store, and encouraging teenage girls to dress like Hallow-teen hookers doesn't seem to be the best idea on this blue orb for a host of obvious reasons. Here's a list of the five sluttiest Halloween costumes for teenage girls -- all from one store.

See also: - Twenty best family-friendly Halloween events - Twenty best Halloween costumes at Down & Derby - Photos: The undead undress at Zombielesque - Hell-ooo, nurse: Your Halloween guide to slutty occupations

5. Slutty teen Batgirl (Not pictured: matching Batgirl spankies with yellow cape attached to the back.) So much for the idea of empowering girls to be anything they want when they grow up. Instead, this slyly encourage syoung ladies to prevail over the bad guys by objectifying their figures and reducing themselves to boobs and butts -- and it seems like a fair assumption that images like this are one of the reasons why girls end up dating the bad guys instead of defeating them. 4. Slutty teen dominatrix Nothing is hotter than a strong, beautiful woman who dons a tight leather outfit and mask and then shoves a man's kisser into the toes of her shiny leather boots. Did you catch the part where I said "woman?" When I saw this teenatrix costume at Hot Topic -- complete with matching faux-leather whip accessory -- I wondered what the entire fuck the folks at the store were thinking when they decided this sexually charged, lewdly miniaturized, completely inappropriate Halloween costume was something they should be marketing to teenage girls.

And any parent who would approve this costume for their daughter should take a wooden sled ride straight to hell wearing gasoline underpants. Any child who shows up at my house trick-or-treating wearing this costume should be fully prepared for me to wrap her up in a warm blanket, give her a mug of cocoa and call social services.

3. Slutty teen skeleton I don't want to think about skeletons and teenage girls at the same time, and I sure don't wanna think about skeletons, teen girls and sluttiness at the same time. I was disgusted by this costume on many levels, not the least of which was the disproportionate cup size on this skele-corset: The mannequin boobs were too small for the cups, for fuck's sake. So not only are teenage girls supposed to want to dress up like skele-sluts, but they are also supposed to have tiny waists and unrealistically huge breasts. I officially deemed this costume an interlude of extreme failure. 2. Slutty teen zombie bride Zombies are awesome. Brides are awesome. Hell, even slutty zombie brides are a trifecta of trendy awesomeness. But when you throw in the "teen" part, this whole costume goes sideways in that campy-horror-movie-meets-Mormon-polygamist sort of way, and I was squicked by the lack of ass-covering this costume had to offer. The red tutu left nothing to the imagination, and aside from the prurient implications of a mostly assless costume, it's often quite chilly on Halloween night. The backside is not one of the most favorable places to get freezer burn. 1. And slutty teen zombie bride fishnets. Wait a minute and a half -- mah bad! I belatedly discovered a display of teen-sized white diamond fishnets, complete with plastic zombie eviscerated leg-part tops, that exactly matched the slutty teen zombie bride costume, which I did not imagine was a coincidence. Here before me was clearly the solution to the exposed, frozen-ass-cheeks problem, since diamond fishnets are generally recognized as being both opaque and insulated. Honorable mention: slutty teen submissive accessories What's the counterpart to the slutty teen dominatrix costume? You guessed it: slutty teen submissive collars and leashes, elegantly studded with rhinestones and chains that hopefully aren't supposed to be connected to any body parts below the neck. These are perfect for the fashionable slutty teen submissives who can mix and match bright, feminine colors like hot pink and black, and some of these come complete with wrist cuffs for that deep, meaningful oppressed look.

I was wondering why there weren't any slutty teenage-boy costumes or accessories available for purchase at Hot Topic, but then it hit me: Maybe the slutty teen submissive accessories were supposed to be for the boys...

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