Hundreds of years ago, America was not much to look at -- just a backwoods berg with a bunch of British prudes who wore clothes with too many buckles and couldn't make it through the winter without help from the local natives, to whom they returned the favor with smallpox and syphilis, and also with a holiday dedicated to an obscure concept called "thanks." Today, America is badass, and that concept is sorely outdated. Yeah, there's a place for traditions and everything, but if there's anything we've learned from Top Gun, it's that the true meaning of America is faster, better and sexier, preferably while wearing a giant Styrofoam hand that says "We're #1." So let's pump that turkey full of 'roids, America, because you know what? You are #1. 5. Parades that are also races Whoever thought up the idea of having a bunch of people twirl batons and walk slowly down a street in front of a crowd of onlookers wasn't thinking hard enough. Because all those people and floats and balloons and whatnot are okay -- but you know what would be better? If they were going twenty times as fast. Have a motorcycle, flame-juggler. Have 40 motorcycles, marching band, and have fun playing your little flute at speeds up up to 80 mph, because this parade is also a race, and the winner gets a million bucks and their name tattooed onto a poor person.
4. More meats stuffed with other meats America has stepped it up some in recent years with the invention of turducken -- the turkey that is stuffed with a duck that is stuffed with a chicken -- but why stop there? Let's stuff that turkey into a pig, and stuff that into a cow, then stuff that into a moose and stuff that with wolves. Serve with a side of bald eagle and tacos, America -- this is your day.
3. More family drama, and make it televised Thanksgiving is a time of family, which also makes it a time of epic brawls that end with you pouring beer on your head and waving your paycheck stubs around, just to prove to your old man that you will amount to something. It's a proud tradition, but America doesn't just call it good like that. As KFC taught us with its Double-Down (tm) sandwich, fried chicken just isn't fried chicken until it's also functioning as the bun of a bacon sandwich -- and family drama just isn't family drama until there's cameras, Joe Rogan and prize money at stake.
2. Get-out-of-jail-free day for DUIs As everyone knows, the best way to kill the pain of family strife is with binge drinking -- the fact that Thanksgiving is statistically one of America's biggest drinking holidays just goes to show you. But you know what really puts a damper on applying a depressant to drowning the sorrow? A DUI, friends. As long as we're having a holiday dedicated to not working and eating too much meat, which is basically what we do anyway, let's apply that ethos of excess to imbibing, because weaseling out of consequences is the American way -- and that's something to be thankful for.
1. Less thanking, more high-fiving Forget being thankful for things -- we earned this hamturkcowmoosebaldeagleken, by God, and we're not thanking anybody for shit. We will, however congratulate ourselves for earning it, and congratulate others for being badass enough to be born in this great land we defend against people who are different from us. So high-five, America. You earned it.
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