February 10, 2011 | 7:54pm
Guess what? Ronnie and Sammi are fighting. Again. Still. At this point, anyone who stomachs this show has to hate her, because she's turned Jersey Shore house into a petri dish of bizarre mind games, fighting and girlfriend doublespeak. The Situation has been sharing a room with the world's most miserable couple, and decides he needs to step in. But he takes the Sammi point of entry and violates bro code. Of course, this drama for drama's sake results in, well, more drama. This also sucks The Situation into the cypher of psychosis, a place no single man ever wants to be.
Pauly D does the right thing and takes Ronnie to the boardwalk to cool off, but unfortunately Deena also takes Sammi to the boardwalk--where her totally delusional thinking goes into hyper-speed, and she thinks she sees Ron with another woman. This leads to Sam acting a fool and trying to pick up some random dude at the bar, but she thankfully has no luck. Neither of them manage to cheat on each other, giving them no reason to be fighting, really. But where there is booze and dramatic behavior, there is a way.
There is no irony left in this shirt.
Back at the house, Ronnie confronts The Sitch about breaking guy code and telling Sammi about some bogus shit that went down in Miami last season. For a few terrifying moments, Ron and Sam's relationship from hell seems to swallow the Situation whole--but he goes running for his life, simply by apologizing to Ronnie. We are witnessing a miracle: Someone in reality television apologizes legitimately, and what's even more amazing is that it comes from The Sitch.
The Situation, acting bizarrely concerned.
Meanwhile, JWoww's oily bohunk Roger takes her on a date to the "Spicy Cantina" (and yes, this is the name of a real Mexican restaurant on the boardwalk.) Things go sour fast--essentially, Roger knows every person in Seaside Heights, which is also every person who frequents Spicy Cantina. JWoww is not stoked on all of the attention on her new man.
Pauly D knows that cleaning his sneakers is more interesting than anything else going on in this house.
Back to the house again, where things have gone from worse to ultra shitty. Ronnie and Sammi have their biggest blow out yet--clothes get thrown, beds get turned over, Sammi and assaults Ronnie again, as if to complete the cycle of abuse. This pushes MVP to get involved and break it up, after which everyone goes to the club. This now a house divided, and it's all boys against girls--Sammi grinds on as many dudes as possible (in front of Ronnie, of course) while Deena and Snooki cheer her on. The scariest part? Sammi proclaims this behavior to be the only way she knows how to get her boyfriend back.
The night of terror continues as Ronnie goes home and, in a rage, smashes everything Sammi owns. Watching the couple's cycle of mental, physical and verbal abuse is beyond exhausting, and they take it a step further, turning the house into an emotional-hostage situation. On a happier note, JWoww brings Roger home and puts on some kind of dominatrix outfit and they knock around in the smash room all night. Ronnie Cries in the bathroom.
Poor Deena. She may never truly be a part of this fucked up family.
Sammi packs some of her stuff that isn't obliterated or on the porch and actually leaves. Yes, she gets in a cab and (presumably) goes home. Ronnie cries some more. Then as if everyone in the house has Stockholm syndrome, Vinnie and Pauly D express sadness by the break up of their "family." Their tan, drunk, ritualistically abusive family.
"Be a woman and man up for your fucking self for once." - Ronnie
"I'm just going to go out and be a slut" - Sammi
"It's kind of an analogy of Vinny's penis not fitting in my pinhole." - Snooki
"He had a camel toe going on, on his penis and everything." - Deena