Once upon a time in 2005, I unknowingly enrolled myself in the "Fag Hag Placement Program" at the local mall. Yes, when I applied for a job with a certain retailer, I was unaware that I was also going to be fitted with the right gay for me, a lifelong gal pal who would be by my side no matter what weird life or menstrual cycle I was going through. Now here I am in 2011, living with my fag (whom I prefer to call my gay husband or by his pet name Liza, as he doesn't much care for the F-word and I can't blame him) in my mom's basement, a happy couple brought together by the people who put everybody in khakis.
I should clear up three things right away: For one, I don't condone use of the word fag as a negative term. I generally just introduce myself as my gay husband's hag, but if you ask me personally, I will openly call myself a fag hag. I understand the societal implications of the word because it is a slur, but I put the term on myself, and not anyone else. I just don't think "fruit fly" looks as good on me.
Secondly, though we do live together in my mom's basement and it really does feel like marriage most of the time, we have our own rooms. Mainly because he can't keep his little paws off my heels and I can't seem keep my prying eyes out of his diary.
Finally, I am not exclusive to one gay man, just as he is not exclusive to one fruit fly. He's got his harem of high school alum hags, his workplace hags and of course, his O.G. hag, who has been his bff since they were born (their birthdays are seven days apart.) I have my O.G. homo from high school (who I of course knew was gay before he came out ten years into our friendship,) my various workplace gays and my flashy drag queen gays.
Ever wondered if you yourself are a fruit fly? Well, just in time for the biggest F and G holiday of the year, PrideFest, I've (along with the close consultation of my gay husband) created a quiz to help you correctly identify how much of a friend of a friend of Dorothy you might be. Just answer the questions below with a yes or no (note: this particular quiz applies to straights mostly, but hags can most definitely be gay too.)
If you have eight or more questions marked "yes," then you, my lady (or man) just might be a fag hag, er, fruit fly. Take it away, friend of the gays!
1. Have you been to one or more gay bars at least three times in the last month?
2. Do you have a "favorite" bartender at said gay bar?
3. Does the bartender "hook you up"?
4. Is the bartender your roommate?
5. Is the bartender's boyfriend your roommate also?
6. Can you correctly identify the four women in the photograph to the right?
7. Have you ever (or do you ever) fill in for injured team members of a local gay organized sport (like softball or volleyball)?
8. Is Kylie Minogue your favorite singer?
9. Have you ever traveled to Las Vegas to see her (or Cher, or Britney) perform?
10. Does the phrase "Leave Britney alone!" mean anything to you?
11. Have you ever made a "TV watching date" with someone to watch So You Think You Can Dance, The Hills, Nip/Tuck or The Real Housewives of Atlanta?
12. Have you seen Steel Magnolias more than four times?
13. Have you ever had a Steel Magnolias quote competition with someone?
14. Do you regularly use the words "bear," "twink" or "daddy" to describe attractive men?
15. Do you know your hanky code?
16. Do you know what a "top" is?
17. Are you a fan of Tonetta?
18. Do you "cruise" at the gym?
19. Have you sworn off drinking beer, but have no problem drinking an alcoholic beverage with a straw, a lime and an umbrella?
20. Did you ever have a crush on Lance Bass?
21. Do you have a profile on Connexion?
22. Do you know any of the songs below by heart?
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