Ten of the dumbest things you can buy on the Internet

The Internet is a black hole of poor decisions -- whether you're trading sexual favors to someone on Craigslist for IT support or accidentally paying for a year-long membership to the Jam of the Month Club. There's no shortage of stupid things available for purchase on the Internet -- tasteless, useless and tacky items that inspire endless impulse buys. Here are ten of the dumbest things you can buy on the Internet.

See also: - Rave's Oh My Goth is dying in Denver -- but the store will be resurrected online - Sixteen holiday markets to shop and celebrate in Denver - Small Business Saturday: In Boulder, they shop local, too!

10. Baby Mop This innovative product allows you to keep your floors clean while also being a great parent. The Baby Mop is actually a piece of clothing that you dress the baby in, with bristles attached. As your child moves around on the floor in this outfit, they pick up dust and trash in a way that no other mop could. If you're not worried about germs and believe in child labor, buy the Baby Mop today!

9. Female Urination Funnel Even in today's modern world, women face obstacles. Less than a hundred years ago, women were finally allowed to vote -- and today they still have to sit down to use the restroom. Unless they buy the Female Urination Funnel, which gives women the independence to say, "I want to stand up when I pee!" Ladies, get off that dirty old toilet seat and make your way to the to the men. 8. Gun Holster Wallet If you're like many Americans, you have the intense urge to exercise your Second Amendment rights -- but now Colorado has those pesky gun laws. Still, you can feel like a true American with the Gun Holster Wallet. If you want to get a rise out of a 7/Eleven clerk, be sure to reach for this wallet when it's time to pay.

Continue reading for more dumb things on the Internet.

7. Human Fetus Soap One of the greatest gifts in life is that of life itself. Now you can hold the gift of life in your hand -- while you wash in the shower! The Human Fetus Soap allows you to connect with a fake fetus, getting the feel for what it's like to have another human's life in your hands...and making sure you smell good at the same time. 6. Truck Nuts Far too often, men who own $50,000 pickup trucks aren't able to truly express their masculinity. A man's pickup is his paradise, his escape and his home -- but buying tricked-out tires and putting a painting of an eagle on the back window may not be enough. But Truck Nuts offer a unique chance for drivers to show off their balls. 5. Hidden Bladder Flask Most people enjoy an adult beverage, but it's "inappropriate" to drink alcohol in certain places, such as a one-year-old's birthday party, a funeral and at most churches. You can try to hide booze in a flask, but that's not very discreet. But with the Hidden Bladder Flask, you can put the party in your pants! When you're in need of a stiff one, pull out the spigot and fire away.

Continue reading for more dumb things.

4. Submarine Yes, you can buy a submarine online -- all kinds of submarines, in fact. A top-of-the-line $2 million submarine, a submarine shaped like a killer whale or the kind of yellow submarine that is usually reserved for National Geographic expeditions. Although it's expensive the personal sub will buy you priceless hours of serene and quiet exploration of the ocean floor. 3. Hitch-Mounted Stripper Pole Every now and then, men need to blow off steam. Normal ways of doing this would be watching sports, drinking beer, barbecuing or any combination of the three. And then there are strip clubs, but those can be tough to fit into today's busy schedules. But with the Portable Hitch Stripper Pole, you can take your favorite past time on the go. Because it's portable, you can take the family on a road trip and still enjoy some quality man time just for yourself: There's nothing classier than a young woman with father problems dancing on a pole on the back of your pickup truck. 2. Poop Gold Pieces Does your outer appearance fail to express your inner worth? With Poop Gold Pieces, you can show people just how classy you are on the inside! With these digestible pills -- just $425 each -- you can literally crap gold, and your fecal matter will shine bright and long. 1. Actual Poop We've now evolved to the point where we can purchase now just pills to make our poop gold, but actual poop on the Internet. At, you can buy and ship poop to anyone you want. The selections range from cow to gorilla and elephant dung, and prices go from $24 for a quart of poo to a gallon for $39. Shipping is included -- and the company will guarantee anonymity. In fact, the website promises that "no one will ever find out." The poo is delivered with a simple card that says "You've been pooped on, want to know by who?" on the front -- and on the back vows, "We'll never tell."

KEEP WESTWORD FREE... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Noah Reynolds