Ten steps to make your wedding awesomely tra$hy

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We survived another wedding season, folks. With August officially upon us, the chances of being invited to any more summer ceremonies is nearly over. Looking back on many blissful marital moments, however, we've learned a lot about what to do and, better yet, what not to do at weddings -- and what we may want to do at ours one day.

So now, by the power vested in me, we present to you ten ways to make your wedding just as trashy as the ones we've been to this summer.

10. Facebook invites What better way to say, "Yes, we're getting married. Come join us for a beautiful celebration of our love" than with the tried-and-true -- and economical -- Facebook event invite? You can even tell who has RSVP'd and harass those who haven't with passive aggressive Internet memes! 9. A wedding registry bursting with Rockstar Energy Forget the silverware: you need a wedding registry chock-full of more important items to get you through married life. So when you're listing which items you'd like people to gift you and your spouse-to-be, make sure you include a four-pack of Rockstar Energy Drinks. Because nothing says "I do" like "Let's fucking do this, brah." 8. KEGS! Ah, what to do when the vows are said and the cake has been cut? A keg stand! With the two kegs your father-in-law picked up for your reception, of course. After all, blacking out would go well with your black tux, right? 7. Use somebody else's music Here's what happened: your church cancels at the last minute because the pastor overbooked himself. Your next move: finding an open space in a neighborhood park, setting up tall, white event tents and using the music from an event a few paces over -- a Mexican family reunion, mind you -- to soundtrack your own wedding reception. 6. Bouquets from the plastic floral section Real flowers aren't all they're cracked up to me. They wilt in the summer heat. They can me messy, or boring. That's when Walmart comes in, with its extensive selection of plastic flowers. No one needs to know they're plastic -- not even the single ladies in matching bridesmaid dresses from Dress Barn. 5. The "Did you fart?" banter Talking about true love and your future together as a couple is important, and chit-chatting with all of those guests who bought gifts on your 7-Eleven wedding registry is essential, but discussing the rancidness of champagne farts with your groomsmen will be the most fun you've had since your last keg stand. 4. Shoelessness Beyond fart talk and plastic flowers, nothing says classy like your guests and all of your bridesmaids removing their shoes immediately following the ceremony. Something tells us your wedding will stink, but in the most cherished, memorable way possible. 3. Balloons the color of the bridesmaids' dresses Speaking of bridesmaids, why not get balloons to match the, umm, "unique" colors of the bridesmaid dress? Oh wait, you did. And a good thing, too, because how else would people distinguish your purple-and-green soiree from that fiesta twenty feet away? 2. Awkward wedding photos Weddings have endless photo opportunities, so why not kill two doves with one stone? Hire a photographer with an awkward sense of humor, take exceedingly awkward wedding photos in which the bride appears to be literally ripping the groom from his pack of alpha male friends, and soon your pictures won't just be on Facebook; they'll be on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com. 1. A groom hungover for the wedding and drunk for the reception

And if you can't make any of numbers one through nine happen, a hungover groom is a sure-fire guarantee for vow-professing hijinks -- "I love myself in you" and "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life avoiding you" -- especially when he's been hungover since the bachelor party and will be drunk by 3 p.m. for the reception. Mazel tov!

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Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.


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