Please Don’t Play the Jesus Card, Rockies

The Colorado Rockies’ current run is so beyond the hopes and dreams of even the most optimistic fan that it simultaneously inspires delight at the way events keep turning in the team’s favor and fear that the slightest cosmic miscalculation will bring the whole crazy streak to a premature end…

How To Identify The Arizona Diamondbacks

We here at Westword sat down with the sports section today and couldn’t remember hearing name one from tonight’s starting nine for the Arizona Diamondbacks. So we thought we’d put together a guide for you so you can watch the game and know what and who you’re talking about. Here’s…

Colorado Rockies: A Team of Know Names

The Colorado Rockies are the Clint Eastwood of the MLB playoffs: The team with no names. Sure, most fans and analysts are at least somewhat familiar with first baseman Todd Helton and left fielder (should-be) NL MVP Matt Holliday. But as Tony Kornheiser and countless other commentators have griped, that’s…

A Trial Separation From The Broncos

Maybe it’s time for us Broncos fans to get off our high horse. Over the past ten years, we’ve hoisted the Lombardi a couple of times, made the playoffs more often than not, won more regular season games than any other team, and ended the Patriots’ post-season win streak on…

Are Travis Henry and Ricky Williams SAFER One Toke Over the Line?

We have no one to blame but ourselves. It’s not just that Colorado, and Denver specifically, has some of the most liberal marijuana laws in the country. We have the best weed too. What’s a guy like Travis Henry, who already has well-documented issues with temptation, supposed to do when…

How To Watch The Rockies Game From Your Cube

Rockies playoff baseball – Catch the fever! At 1pm on a Thursday. Leave it to the MLB to schedule the Rockies first playoff series in 12 years (which, shockingly, is two years fewer than the last time the Phillies hosted a post-season game) smack-dab in between daytime TV paragons The…

Petition to the Rockies Concerning the Killing of Dinger

Whereas it is pre-emptively acknowledged that all sports mascots lose their appeal to right-thinking adults who have not sustained head wounds, and; Whereas it has become widely known that we here in Denver play home to the absolutely worst carpet-covered, shit-and-Febreze-smelling, sorry excuse for a cheerleading, anthropomorphized cartoon fossil, and;…

Pardon This Rockies Interruption, Bitch

Most close games in sports are reported as one of two mutually exclusive options: Either this team won it or that team lost it. It was surprising, then, that ESPN’s Tuesday afternoon coverage of the greatest baseball game ever played in the mountain time-zone turned into a treatise on instant…

Rockies Baseball: Stranger than Fiction

Midway through the 13th inning, with the Padres beating the Rockies 8-6, I stepped out front for my umpteenth cigarette of the night and started thinking about the lede for this story. It went like this: On Earth Two, inside the recently discovered galaxy ESO 137-001, 200 million light years…

An Open Letter to Rockies Fans

October 2, 2007 Dear Rockies Fans, I take it all back. I mean it this time, too. To those of you who sauntered into sections 119 through 142 two innings late, toting toddlers you didn’t protect from foul balls while you sipped microbrews and talked about anything but baseball: You…

Hey Rockies: Ditch the Dinosaur

My sister, a baseball fan who’s married to another baseball fan, called me just after midnight in New York City. We’re watching the game, she said. Here’s a question. Is the Colorado Rockies mascot a pentaceratops that turns around behind the plate and wiggles his hands at the pitcher or…

City Spokesmen

If you need to ask who Lance Armstrong is, try the next three-year-old who pedals by on a tricycle. If you want to know who Jan Ullrich, Ivan Basso and Roberto Heras are, ask the people chowing down on VeloNews veggie cakes and LeMond lemonade at the HandleBar & Grill…

Reel Passion

As rain spits from a low gray sky one evening, Mike Bostwick, perhaps the best fly-caster in all of Colorado, stands by himself in Aurora’s Utah Park. An observer can tell it’s Mike Bostwick (he looks a little like Stalin, but much friendlier) because of his rugged-sportsman-looking shirt, on which…

Plenty of Purple Heart

He takes it. The gritty stoic wearing the dirty uniform and the tar-crusted batting helmet takes Kevin Brown’s 92-mile-an-hour fastball on the left forearm and, without so much as glancing back at the mound, takes his base. A week later, a wayward Pedro Astacio heater hits him flush in the…

Twilight of an NFL God

Bizarre. Jerry Rice walks through the Broncos’ spring locker room, courteously introducing himself to teammates who were second-graders when he won the first of his three Super Bowl rings. It’s like Bruce Springsteen falling by to trade riffs with your kid’s garage band. Surreal. Rice announces, “Hi, I’m Jerry Rice”…

Loopers in the Loop

Chunk Foster graduated more than a decade ago from the University of Wyoming with a degree in communications, and when a friend jokingly recommended that they head to Florida to caddy for a season, he signed on without a second thought. It was just the sort of half-work, half-goof gig…

Little Big Men

It had to compete for face time with the Indy 500, a Cubs-Rockies slugfest at Wrigley Field and the Memorial Day cookout in Uncle Elmer’s back yard. But the Colorado Crush’s first-ever home playoff game, against the San Jose SaberCats, drew a big enough (and loud enough) crowd Sunday afternoon…

Rough Ride

Here’s a brainteaser for you and your mountain-biking buds to ponder over a bottle of Fat Tire after your latest single-track adventure: Is a mountain bike a machine? It’s not exactly the riddle of the Sphinx. But like many seemingly inane sports ponderables (how, exactly, did Carmelo get into bars…

Shanny’s Spare Parts

Even staring-mad, orange-to-the-bone Broncos fans were snoozing through the third round of last month’s NFL draft when Mike Shanahan exploded a major bomb under their butts. Maurice Clarett! You gotta be kidding! Only a lunatic on crack would take a chance on the whiny, divisive ex-Ohio State running back. Talk…

No Sweat

Growing up in West Virginia, Anna Mead dreamed of being an Olympic swimmer. It wasn’t just a young girl’s fantasy, either. When she swam in meets — her specialty was the breaststroke — competitive coaches would approach her parents and ask about her plans. But at the age of thirteen,…

The Moe, the Merrier

Have you noticed? They don’t have a last name between them. George, Karl, Doug and Moe sound like four hackers who take turns hitting it in the drink at Park Hill. But down at the Pepsi Center — you know, that big red thing where, once upon a time, a…

Big Wheels

A strong weekend storm has just dumped a foot of wet spring snow on Denver — perfect weather for the New Siberians. By 8 a.m., e-mails are whipping back and forth between the City and County Building and the Wellington E. Webb Municipal Office Building, across the street. “It turns…