A Christian-rock farewell tribute to Tebow

Oh, Tim Tebow, how we are going to miss him. It's hard to believe it's been only a little over two years since he began turning professional football into a platform for religious expression. Now that Tebowmania is officially coming to an end in Denver, we thought it would be fitting to honor the man who combined Jesus with sports with a send-off from those who combined Jesus with pop music. With that in mind, we present the Christian-rock farewell tribute to Tim Tebow.

5. "Goodbye" - Plankeye Covered by endless numbers of broken-hearted Christian teenage boys at youth-group open mikes, this song, many suspect, was written for departing Plankeye drummer Adam Ferry, who left the band to become a youth pastor. This may be a good direction for Tebow: As the least-accurate starting quarterback in the NFL, with a completion rate well under 50 percent, now might be a good time to "just walk away, it's time to say goodbye" from football and pursue a new calling.

4. "My Friend (So Long) - DC Talk While many have gotten away with being "Christians in a band" (U2, Creed), there's really nothing less cool than being a straight-up "Christian band." Here we have a song lamenting a pop star's abandonment of preaching the good news in favor of worldwide stardom. That's nothing Tebow will ever have to worry about. With his inability to complete a pass, you can rest assured that his meteoric rise to national fame is based more on his Bible-quoting ability and iconic kneeling than anything else.

3. "I Wish We'd All Been Ready" - Larry Norman Indeed, we're not ready for Tebow to leave. His absence will leave a cross-shaped hole in the world of sports and tabloid media; the only thing to possibly fill it would be a tap-dancing pagan golfer flashing pictures of Mao and preaching against the sin of colonoscopies. And until we find such a person, we leave you with this neo-protest song warning of the coming Rapture.

2. "Free" - Stryper Tebow recently told Buccaneers defensive tackle and recent star of Survivor Brad Culpepper that he hoped to land on a football team in Florida. Why limit himself? Since the world is honestly not that interested in his pigskin-throwing skills, why not pursue his recently expressed interest in Dancing With the Stars? Or run for office? We don't know if he's been paying attention, but the Republican presidential race hasn't been going so well for anyone. Now that he's about to be a free agent, why not throw his hat in the ring for the White House? Picture it: He could shoot Bibles out of a T-shirt cannon while the entire crowd of the GOP convention is Tebowing. Let freedom ring!

1. "Our Finest Hour" - Philmore This could be Tebow's finest hour. Now is the time to strike. How long do you possibly think the world will be interested in a hyper-evangelical quarterback who gets more attention for dating Taylor Swift than for throwing a touchdown? Philmore probably assumed back in 2002 that the world would always be interested in the novelty of a Christian throwback metal band from Iowa. But they disappeared as quick as you can say "I believe in a thing called love." Now seems like a good time for Tebow to give Michele Bachmann, Stephen Baldwin and the angel-dust-smoking Invisible Children guy a call and get a reality show about Creationism started!

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Josiah M. Hesse
Contact: Josiah M. Hesse

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