We don't know if you've noticed or not, but Hollywood has a knack for remaking films (brazenly displaying its pronounced lack of creativity). These movies tend to fall into one of three categories: Pop-film, genre-film or foreign. We've never fully understood the system of how they decide what gets green-lit and what doesn't (Marmaduke, really?), but in honor of today's release of Karate Kid and A-Team we decided to come up with a list of untouchables -- movies that should never ever be fucked with. Ever. And that's either because they're sacred, or, well, they shouldn't be remade.
This wasn't an easy task, many of our first notions we later found out were actually being remade (The Warriors, Red Dawn, Logan's Run, Thundercats). So we established some ground rules, namely that the film could potentially be remade -- which allowed to us to leave out classics like Citizen Kane and Casablanca, and spend some time with movies that have true and series potential of actually getting remakes green-lit by some 22 year-old dicknose in Hollywood.
10. Top Gun Let's be perfectly honest here, Top Gun is going to get remade at some point. Why? We don't really know for certain; the movie is not particularly good -- nostalgic, sure, but lots of things are nostalgic, like Transformers and G.I. Joe, and look how those went. Listen, all we're saying is that we're pretty certain the United States isn't really interested in a film about a bunch of military jocks acting like they own the world right now.
09. Mad Max Mad Max is one of many post-apocalyptic movies on this list because we're pretty certain that once Hollywood gets over its disaster phase it'll turn to the post-disaster phase. Book of Eli was a terrible movie, but it's just the start of the re-rebirth of these films. Mad Max is a great candidate for a remake because it's, well, old, and kids these days don't know anything about it. It certainly won't work -- but we wouldn't be surprised to see it.
08. A Boy and His Dog When a cult-classic gets noticed in entertainment industry, it inevitably gets remade. A Boy and His Dog has been noticed a lot recently, with Easter egg poster shots showing up in movies and nods and hat-tips all around. If Don Johnson were still capable of being involved in the remake, we might give this a bit more leeway, but as it stands, this creepy wasteland-driven-talking-dog-having movie needs to stay in the cult libraries and out of the theaters.
Resale Concert Tickets
07. Jaws Steven Spielberg sold his soul off a while ago, so the very idea of remaking Jaws is probably teetering on his mind, while him and George Lucas go out golfing and gut-punching our childhoods. The film was a direct result of an American fear -- shark attacks, evolution, dinosaurs. Okay, maybe not the last two -- but either way, that fear isn't in need of renewal, as we have plenty of new things to be frightened of, like nano-machines taking over our brains.
6. The Wild Bunch Westerns have had a surge of popularity recently, mostly likely due to the 3:10 to Yuma remake, The Proposition, The Assassination of Jesse James and Red Dead Redemption. That said, westerns are such a unique breed that remakes often feel tired and useless -- their popularity was founded on the fear of change -- and when we look back at them we can see that change happening. Peckinpah was master at this, and Wild Bunch is one of his master works. If this gets remade, that fear is gone, and the result is just a movie -- and a boring one at that. We'd also venture a guess that Hollywood would get some Matrix-like shit going on in the films epic ending sequence, and that's just plain wrong.
05. The Wizard of Oz The Wizard of Oz is one of those rare classics that we can see as having the potential for a remake. Unlike say, Spartacus, the film was all about technical and magical wonder -- and that's the type of film ripe for an "indie" remake done by the likes of Tim Burton. Listen, Tim Burton? We know you haven't had an original idea in ten years, that every remake you've ever done has been terrible and you're an overpaid hack -- but stay away from The Wizard of Oz. Please?
04. Stalker Okay, so chances are a lot of people haven't heard of this one. That's actually what makes a remake dangerous. We already saw one Tarkovsky film get ruined by George Clooney with Solaris and we aren't hoping to see a second. It's ready and waiting for it though -- have you seen The Road? Oh, you thought it was a heartfelt story of a boy and his father travelling through a desolate country? You know who does that shit better than over appreciated American authors? The Russians. Stalker blows every other post-apocalyptic movie out of the water, and because of that we're crossing our fingers Hollywood stays far, far away.
03. The Godfather Yeah yeah yeah -- we can hear you saying that this film is as untouchable as Citizen Kane -- but we're going to offer a fair warning here: If it doesn't get remade as a film, it'll get remade as something, probably a cartoon.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
02. Akira There have been rumors jumping around about a live-action version of Akira for what seems like forever, but as far as we can tell, no footage has ever hit the tape -- and for that, we're ecstatic. We're going to go ahead and assume that whatever Hollywood does to this story is going to ruin it -- in fact, we're going to guess the first hour of the movie gets cut in favor of an extended, explosive finale. Or, even better, we're going to guess (hope) that whatever ground-work for a remake that has been laid mysteriously explodes in a fire.
01. Blade Runner Blade Runner is a film that existed as an explanation of loneliness, identity and humanity. It has also been recut and remastered so many times, that it has essentially been remade by Ridley Scott over and over -- and we're pretty certain that if anyone even thought for a second about touching this, or its source material for a remake, there would be chaos on the internet. Of course, we also thought The Day the Earth Stood Still was safe, so what the hell do we know?