Five instruments we doubt local public schools would be even slightly interested in having donated

This month, Colorado Public Radio is holding its annual instrument pledge drive, "Keep the Music Alive," to help bring instruments to public schools. It's a great program that lets musicians donate old instruments to public schools, where they'll get far more use than they do sitting in a closet. While the parameters are relatively wide open for donations, there are a few select instruments we're guessing they're probably not interested in. 5. Double-neck Guitar The double-neck guitar isn't nearly as popular as it once was, which might mean you still have an old one lying around your apartment, left over from the time Yngwie Malmsteen shred your brain to pieces and forced you to go to the store and buy one. It's a difficult instrument to play, seeing as how there are two necks, so we won't fault you for never learning how to play it. Still, we're pretty sure even the most desperate of elementary schools aren't interested in trying to teach double-neck guitar lessons. 4. Recorder The recorder is the most widely used, cheapest instrument imaginable. That's why public schools already have hundreds and hundreds of them lining the closets, filling the basements and buried underneath their playgrounds in bunkers. It's nice of you to think you should donate your five-dollar plastic instrument, but we're pretty sure they're not interested. But don't worry: You can always convert it into a bong. 3. Rainstick Yeah, we've been to that store in Boulder, too, but let's be perfectly honest here: A rainstick is probably the worst thing visitors can buy on their vacation to Colorado. That's all beside the point, though, because if you take the time to actually imagine an elementary school band playing a collection of rainsticks, you should be convinced to just leave yours in storage where it belongs. Unless you're hoping to hear the soundtrack of the apocalypse. 2. Keytar Just because you're nostalgic for the '80s doesn't mean a bunch of little kids are going to be. In fact, they most certainly won't be, unless they've somehow managed to be held back for 25 years. The keytar is quite possibly one of the most unnecessary instruments for any public school, as we're pretty certain they have no need for '80s pop. If you do have one lying around not getting any use, though, consider donating it to a random thirty-something on South Broadway on Friday night. 1. Cat Piano The cat piano is probably our favorite instrument of all time. Invented by some crazy loon sometime in the 16th century, it's basically a box filled with cats. When a key was pressed, a lever would pull on one of the cats (tuned, of course) tails. You might be tempted to make your own using stray cats from the alley -- you know, killing two birds with one stone -- but if you do decide to do such a thing, please make sure you get them spayed and neutered. Actually, never mind, there is no public school in the country desperate enough to perform "Over the Rainbow" on a collection of cat pianos.
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Thorin Klosowski
Contact: Thorin Klosowski

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