As today, the day Frank Ocean fans have been waiting for since 2012, winds down, we can only focus on one sad fact: Ocean’s new album still hasn't arrived. Despite all of the hype this week, we knew this was going to happen. In fact, we didn't even get excited or subscribe to Apple Music in case he did actually keep his promise of dropping it on August 5. (This, after he promised to drop the album by July's end.)
We had such little faith in him following through that we actually think five otherwise totally unfathomable things are likely to happen before he releases Boys Don't Cry.
(Oh, and don't worry about us. We'll just drive home and cry for the hundredth time to the sweet sounds of Channel Orange, the last album he put out, all the way back in 2012.)
5. The Fray will lead worship at your church.
There is an album titled How to Save a Life that is not an actual Wiki-How to save someone’s life, but the 2005 Billboard Top 15 release from Denver band the Fray. The album naturally propelled the band from leading worship services at church to selling out tours to singing a folksy version of the national anthem for a college basketball game.
With all of the things keeping the band busy these days, it still seems more likely that you can walk into a church on a Sunday morning and find the Fray playing songs such as “Our God Is An Awesome God” or “Over My Head [Cable Car]” than ever hearing the new Frank Ocean album.
4. Denver Residents will swell with pride over the 16th Street Mall.
The downtown mall area is for Denver's tourists, and no one else. Why would any resident want to go to a Hard Rock Cafe, battle for parking, be very afraid of getting hit by the free mall ride, or tell Greenpeace they aren't interested in signing another petition?
Still, it seems much more likely that Denver residents would swell with pride over 16th Street Mall than for Frank Ocean to release his next album.
3. Trump could get stuck in another Colorado Springs elevator with the baby he kicked out of his rally.
It seems likely that the Republican presidential nominee will get stuck in another elevator or kick another baby out of a room while he’s speaking. And it seems even more likely that the baby he kicked out of his August 2 northern Virginia rally will end up in the same stuck elevator with Trump than it does for Frank Ocean to just give the people what we want.
2. Illegal Pete’s will become incredibly unpopular in Denver.
Illegal Pete’s would have to do a lot of wrong to drive away Denver, like getting rid of its queso or going vegan altogether.
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This is still more plausible than us streaming Frank Ocean's first album since 2012 today.
1. Morrissey would actually show up to his scheduled concert at the Boulder Theater in November.
In 2013, Morrissey infamously postponed his Denver show – twice – and has done the same thing to cities dozens of times over his career. Some of his excuses have included the fact that a venue he was set to grace in Iceland served meat (Morrissey has been vegetarian or vegan for years) or he didn't have enthusiasm for a tour. Needless to say, he's pretty unreliable.
Frank Ocean is giving Morrissey a run for his vegan jerky.