Hanging the Hamster. The Five Digit Disco. Jerking the Johnson. There's a million terms for the ingratiating act of self-love. Look, if we're being real here, there's no shame in the game. After all, not everyone can be pleasured by super-fantastic lovers all day, everyday, and sometimes this means having to take matters into your own, uh, lubed up hands.
So lest you feel like you are the only one up at 1 a.m. diddling your doodle while watching soft-core porn on HBO because your computer has crashed from yet another virus, rest easy: You're not. Everybody does it, which is probably why there's so many songs about it. All of this is top of mind right now because we thought "S&M" by Rhianna was just such a tune. Evidently it's not -- or so she says, anyway (ahem... bullshit!). But the ones below most certainly are.
10. "I Touch Myself" -- DiVinyls Let's just get this one out of the way, shall we? This 1991 hit was far from the first song about getting off, but it was it was one of the first songs to sing it loud and proud over the airwaves. Something about women touching themselves makes men immediately think of sex toys and threesomes, so kudos DiVinyls. And do you fucking remember the video? Christina Amphlett rolling around in a short, tight dress and thigh highs, with pouty lips, cleavage, and that shaggy do makes us want to touch ourselves. Yeah, we know, hot.
9. "Pump It Up" - Elvis Costello When men deal with mean bitches...they need to get their aggression out and what better way than to take it out on the penis. The beat automatically makes you move your ass around, but when you realize what it's about, wanking off just seems like the right thing to do. Go ahead... pump it up... you know you want to. No judgments.
8. "She Bop" - Cyndi Lauper Holy shit. Reportedly, Lauper wrote this song while buck-ass naked... and really, is there any better way to write a song about treating yourself right? Nope. The video with its vibrating motorcycles, Beefcake mags, and Masterbingo scene leave little to the imagination. And because of its feigned raunchy nature it got on to some nasty list that resulted in the "parental approved" sticker. Bastards. Speaking for women everywhere, thank you for getting the ever so important message out that "Everybody Bops!" Because... we do. Frequently.
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7. "Turning Japanese" - The Vapors This seemingly racist jam is only offensive if you don't get it's true meaning and the not-so-hidden message is all about taking a shake break. Fine, the band denies that it's about tossing off, but we know the truth. And the reason we know the truth? Because we watch enough porn to know those eyes.
6. "Longview" - Green Day This chart topper propelled these punkers into mainstream success and became an anthem for lazy youths around the country. Give us a song all about smoking the pot and jerking off, and we'll give you a dirty and perfect fucking day. Let's call it a Green day, in honor of Billy Joe and the boys.
5. "Blister in the Sun" - Violent Femmes "Body and beats, I stain my sheets, I don't even know why..." Yes. Yes. YES! A blister in the sun will cause a vast amount of swelling and the only way to reduce that swelling is to use your big hands, my friends! DO it. All the cool kids are doing it. Fair warning: if you try to keep pace with the song, you may hurt yourself, so be careful. Just saying.
4. "Praying Hands" - Devo You've got your left hand. You've got your right hand... what shall you do with both hands? Choke the chicken, fellas. This song pretty much just repeats the same thing over and over, but you can't help but love that it emphasizes the importance of keeping your hands clean. Cleaning your hands three times a day isn't enough, but it's a good start.
3. "Dancing With Myself" - Billy Idol Is it just us or is Billy Idol still hot? Just us. Okay, the cheese stands alone. This song was originally done in 1980 by Idol's band Generation X, but after Idol revamped it in 1981, people all over were enjoying themselves with utter pride. There have been many interpretations about what this means, but it's more entertaining to think of Gonzo from The Muppets singing about testing out the magic love wand. Stroke it, Gonzo!!
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2. "My Ding-A-Ling" - Chuck Berry It's just a song about a grandmother's gift of some silver bells hanging from a string. Uh-huh. Sure! Honestly, it's a great song for kids and a truly cautionary tale about a boy who plays with his penis and is put in precarious situations. One must be careful when greasing the old baseball bat in the presence of snapping turtles or climbing a garden wall. Take out your ding-a-lings, kids, and hold them up proud! Just don't hold them too tight or they turn blue and fall off. Seriously.
1. "Darling Nikki" - Prince Let's start by saying that Purple Rain is one of the raddest movies of all time. (Fuck you, it is.) "Darling Nikki" is directed at a slutty sex fiend that masturbates with magazines, and in hotel lobbies, no less. Not that there's nothing wrong with that. Plus, if played backwards during the rain sequence at the end there is a hidden, secret message. Can Prince get any cooler? Yes, because he pissed off Tipper Gore. This is one of the songs credited with her founding the Parental Music Resource Center, which produced those amazingly effective "Parental Advisory" stickers which more or less guaranteed millions to any artist who could earn one for the cover art of their latest. (Well done, Tipper. 2 Live Crew owes you big.) So thanks for the funky time, Prince. And grind, Nikki. GRIND!