Using highly scientific research methods, we've developed the Tiger Blood Barometer® to determine if Sheen is going to bomb or have them give a standing O on Thursday night.
Sheen's month-long tour, which began on April 2 in Detroit, shouldn't be considered a comedy show. The "Violent Torpedo of Truth" is much less than that. Call it a shit show instead.
(Update: See photos and read the review of Sheen last night in Houston)
After receiving both positive and negative reviews (heavier on the negative), countless heckles and at least one in change in the show's format, the Sheen Machine's overall goal seems not to be about providing entertainment, but about making the infamous celebrity bucketloads of money from ticket sales -- sales that, unfortunately, aren't refundable when his jokes, or lack thereof, make you want to leave thirty minutes into the show.
Read on, warlocks, to see if Thursday's program is worth the $29-$106 ticket price.
The Tiger Blood Barometer: measuring Charlie Sheen's likelihood of success in Denver, one bat-shit crazy antic at a time. Sheen starts with zero points out of 69 possible.
March 1:Winning! Sheen's rant on a special edition of 20/20 with Andrea Canning on March 1 proves the star is not bipolar or bi-winning, but instead bi-crazy -- double the crazy, double the fun. Some fans admire Sheen for standing by what he believes in; others admonish him for his womanizing tendencies. Either way, the interview itself was a great marketing strategy to create a buzz around skyrocketing celebrity status. +22
March 7:Winning! Sheen's rant is given a YouTube makeover, called "Winning." To date, it's hit over 22 million views. +31
March 11:Winning! Sheen announces dates for "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour on March 11 via Twitter. This is the first of many times that Sheen's followers receive news from the Sheen Machine himself before anyone else. +15
April 2: Losing. Sheen's tour opener in Detroit flops. The first night of "Violent Torpedo of Truth" was nothing more than an "experiment," Sheen said amid boos from the audience, according to The Hollywood Reporter. He went on to tell crack jokes instead. Ouch. -18
April 3: Winning! Sheen doesn't bring any of the negative energy from his Detroit show into Chicago, but he does take some shots at Detroit, "a good place to tell some crack stories," he says. Sheen also receives a standing ovation -- yes, you read that right -- a standing ovation for his show. But what made the show successful? A last-minute change in format. Instead of telling off-the-cuff stories, Sheen answered questions from an interviewer. Sheen will use the same format for the tour from here on out. Why mess with a winning formula? +7
April 5: Winning! Sheen continues to bring the laughs to audiences in Cleveland with the new format for the "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour, which is "not bad, not bad at all," according to Andrea Simakis at Cleveland.com. Better yet, the Cleveland stop is the first to boast featured drinks like Tiger's Blood (Absolut vodka with a pomegranate twist and a dash of Sprite), the Warlock (Jameson and ginger ale) and Winning! (Canadian Club and Coke). +12
April 8: Losing. The Sheen Machine stumbles when the tour bombs New York City. "At one point, he described a childhood memory of being in Italy with his parents," writes Lisa Rose of The Star-Ledger. "'They should have left you there!' shouted a gentleman in the orchestra section, winning the biggest laugh of the night." -8 Note: At this point in the tour, the press for Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth" loses a lot of interest in recording Sheen's freefall from celebrity status to "no one gives a shit." Here are the most significant reviews from his more recent shows, plus Tiger Blood Barometer ratings for each.April 9: Losing. Wallingford, Conn. -- "Sheen's no comedian, and he had no act," says Roger Catlin of The Hartford Courant. -5
April 10: Losing. New York City (again) -- "Mixed messages are part of Charlie's shtick. And this crowd didn't revolt, especially one person who was extra thrilled: Charlie himself," says Michael Musto of La Daily Musto, The Village Voice. -3
April 12: Losing? Boston -- "At the show in Boston, Sheen used all of his catchphrases, including 'tiger blood' and 'winning,' within the first few minutes. Some fans were thoroughly entertained, while others said they had 'Sheen enough,'" says CBS Boston. -1
April 14: Losing. Toronto -- "'I wasn't expecting much, but it was less than I was expecting,'" says Victoria Ahearn of the Canadian Press. -3
April 16: Losing. Atlantic City, N.J. -- "The racy zingers did spur a number of walkouts. Entire clusters of seats were empty. Boos ricocheted around the room before the ninety-minute show even started," says Lisa Rose of The Star-Ledger. Master roaster Jeffrey Ross, who often steals the show for celebrity roasts on Comedy Central, joins Sheen on stage for the first time in his tour and steals the show. Ross will go on to join Sheen at most other stops on the tour. -11
April 17: Losing. Mashantucket, Conn. -- "It's less of a show, though, than an appearance, where paying fans can see him in person, and many of them can spend their time drunkenly heckling him nonstop," says Roger Catlin of The Hartford Courant. -6
April 19: Winning! For the first time in weeks, fans seem genuinely excited to see Sheen on tour in Washington, D.C. +14
April 21: Winning! Sheen's fans in Atlanta appreciate his train-wreck-waiting-to-happen approach to entertainment. "'It's Charlie Sheen. It's a train wreck waiting to happen. That's the whole reason we came,'" a fan tells Justin Gray in a report for WJBF-TV. +4
April 22: Losing. A lot. To fill the empty seats in Tampa, Florida, fans were upgraded from the upper-level seats to the floor. "Charlie Sheen will tell you he is 'winning,' but the reviews after his show at the St. Pete Times Forum on Friday night were mixed, with many saying that comedian and master roaster Jeffery Ross stole the show," reports Preston Rudie for WTSP-TV. -16
April 24: Losing. One of Sheen's goddesses, Bree Olson, dumps him via text message. Poor Charlie: One goddess down and only one goddess to go home with. -6
April 26: Winning! Warning: Sheen may not be as selfish as some people may think. In fact, he may be a pretty good guy. Or at least that's what he has made people believe when he bailed out his friend Lenny Dykstra. Dykstra, a former major-league baseball player, allegedly embezzled over $400,000. +7
April 26: Losing. Actual comedian Tracy Morgan rips Sheen a new one in an interview with one of AOL's online blogs. -3
Final score: 32 out of 69 points. The Tiger Blood Barometer doesn't lie. With a score that predicts Sheen could either be winning or sucking (veering toward sucking) on Thursday in Denver, it's anyone's show. But one thing's for sure: If you buy a ticket for Charlie Sheen, you'll end up staying for Jeffrey Ross. That is, if he makes an appearance on Thursday night. Otherwise, sorry, Charlie -- your ticket ain't refundable. Don't say we didn't warn you!
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