You’ve got to hand it to those Republicans: They know how to promote Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Mark Udall. First, they sent out a mailer suggesting Udall wants to make Colorado more European, which sounds fantastic. (Legalized prostitution and regular tea time? Yes please!) Now their new “Fuggeddaboutit” attack flier, which arrived in the mail this weekend, portrays Udall chillin’ with the actor behind Johnny "Sack" Sacramoni from the Sopranos and notes the candidate does the bidding of his “Big Boss friends.” In other words, according to the ad, Udall is a gangster.
And that, of course, makes Udall seem freakin' awesome. Who wouldn’t want a wiseguy representing Colorado? If he wants our vote, here are a few favors we want from Mark “A Friend of Ours” Udall:
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• Hold committee hearings in front of Oliver’s Meat Market. • Give colleagues Cosa Nostra nicknames, such as Ken “Mumbles” Salazar, Bill “Wet Willy” Ritter and Diana “You ain’t seen nothin’” DeGette. • Make Joe Pesci head of beleaguered FasTracks, instigating much theatrical belligerence. • Give Marilyn Musgrave an offer she can’t refuse. • Make Civic Center Park useful, i.e., a good place to bury bodies. • Match Mike Coffman’s talents with perfect job: “waste management consultancy.” • Designate Steve Farber state’s official consiglieri. • Demand Pat Stryker get Rolling Stones tattoo on boob. • Make Stapleton fun by legalizing gambling and prostitution and calling it Las Vegas. • Insist Paulie Walnuts stop calling himself Judge Edward Nottingham. • Take Doug Bruce for “fishing trip” on the lake. • When things get tense in Senate, lighten mood by running around with orange peel in mouth. • If can’t find horse head to frighten enemies, use Hickenlooper’s head as reasonable stand-in. • End legislative sessions by playing Journey, then abruptly shutting off lights, leaving everything unfinished. -- Joel Warner