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Bad Ideas for Denver License Plates

What's on your plate?EXPAND
What's on your plate?
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Personalized license plates aren’t as common in Colorado as they are in other states, probably because of their cost (Colorado’s annual fee is nearly ten times that of Illinois, for example). But there are still a decent number of vanity plates out there, and the Colorado Disability Funding Committee (CDFC) hopes that there will be a whole lot more next year.

The CDFC, whose mission is “to maximize support for new and innovative programs benefitting Colorado’s disability community by raising and distributing funds,” is sponsoring a special online auction of approved letter/number combinations of vanity plates to further that goal. Have a motor maniac on your holiday list? “Claim your legacy,” the auction website suggests, by bidding on a personalized plate through the auction’s end on December 10.

The plates in the auction have already been vetted by the state, of course…but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some spectacularly bad ideas still floating out there, just waiting to be slapped on a bumper and attract the wrong sort of attention. Here are ten suggestions for personalized plates that Denver residents would be wise to avoid.
Though it would go smashingly with the NATIVE bumper sticker on that $100K Range Rover — you know, the one right next to the one that says Live Simply So That Others Can Simply Live.

If this isn’t the perfect vanity plate for those terrible real estate rappers that sort-of sang about selling the shit out of “Den-vair” earlier this year, I don’t know what would be. Probably less perfect for anyone working for Ink! Coffee.

Best not to invoke the name of Denver’s equine airport leviathan, lest you draw his infernal attention. Horse-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named does not find your vanity amusing or your tribute to him worthy.

Celebrating something that happened twelve years ago is just sad. Way to set yourself up for some serious pennant-related disappointment. Are you still listening to "Hey There Delilah" and watching Spiderman 3?

On the other hand, no one cares that the team is in a multi-year downward spiral, or that Elway may have lost his mojo. No one talks shit about the orange and blue, and if you had anything resembling this plate in Denver, there would be no safe place to park your vehicle outside your garage.

Colorado might be among the healthiest of American states, but bragging is still pretty unappealing. Same goes for anything that calls attention to your ironically unhealthy obsession with your level of bodily fitness. See also: PUSHUPS, 14RKING and YOGAPNTS.

I(Heart Symbol)TABOR
Probably not a great idea to advertise that you don’t give a rat’s ass about education or infrastructure…or that you’re Douglas Bruce. Besides, it’s been too soon since we lost the hope that was Proposition CC. Here’s hoping those roads and bridges hold up under the weight of your Lincoln Navigator. Because Matthew McConaughey you are not.

You know that rule in most movies that no matter what the natural disaster that may befall the human cast of the film — whether it’s a mega-shark or a tornado or a mega-sharknado — that the dog has to survive? We don’t care who gets eaten and/or pulverized, as long as there’s a shot of the dog paddling to safety. If we in Denver won’t put up with that crap from acts of god, we sure as hell won’t put up with it from the ass-end of your Saab.

Look, we all like our neighbors, but since the population of Denver has increased by 666,000 in the last eight years, residents are on edge. Parking is tougher. Traffic is terrible. Rent is up, the cost of living is high, and the rest of the country is catching on to how nice it is here. Don’t make it worse by becoming a mobile billboard. Trolling is generally safer if you do it from the relative safety of your mom’s basement, anyway.

Or, you know, pretty much any pot-related reference on your vehicle. If you think the staties hunting the highways in Kansas stop you for driving while Coloradan too much already…

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