Best-job-ever alert: Casa Bonita’s hiring cliff divers!

Sure, the economy’s in the crapper, the country’s auto industry is going kaput and newspapers as we know them may soon cease to exist. But here’s one example of good news: Casa Bonita is doing well enough to be hiring a new cliff diver! That’s right, the Lakewood-based bastard child of Disneyland and Tijuana, a Mexican restaurant so colossal and insane and sublime that we were recently compelled to write a Casa Bonita survival guide as a public service, is looking for a new recruit for its centerpiece indoor cliff-diving attraction.

To us, this sounds like the greatest job of all time, and not only because those involved in the cliff-diving shows also get to do ridiculously cool stuff like juggling fire sticks and sword fighting and swinging from vines and getting chased around by the guy in the Chiquita the Angry Gorilla suit. In the medium-sized army that is the Casa Bonita workforce, the cliff divers are surely the BMOC — the ones who make the pimply kids on the clean-up crews seethe in jealousy, the ones who get the waitresses weak in the knees, the ones who take the comely hostesses into the recesses of Black Bart’s Cave for furtive make-out sessions.

Sure, the job’s $9-an-hour compensation ain’t great, but if the operation was willing to pay us in trade — specifically, in sopapillas — we’re sure we could work something out.

Unfortunately, we have exactly zero of the skills required to do the job. No fire-juggling experience, no sword fighting, no vine swinging. And, oh yeah, we were out the day our grade-school swim class taught everyone how to dive. But we’re gonna apply for it anyway. After all, if we somehow were to score the gig, not only would we have the greatest job at the world’s greatest Mexican restaurant, but according to the job posting, we’d be in line for “advancement opportunities.” We have no idea what those opportunities might entail, but we’re hoping it would involve a Chiquita the Angry Gorilla suit.