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Christmas critters tangle with holiday decorations: Kenny Be's Sign Language

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The pampered beast shown on the TallGrass billboard in the photo above is this season's proud vision from the Evergreen hair- and skin-care coven endorsed by the cult of Oprah. Perhaps the gift cards advertised by the swanky spa will offer an "Elk Tune-up" to ease the trauma of holiday entanglements between man and animal...

Elk Tune-Up Helps restore animals fatigued by the ravages of human encroachment and realign natural balance. Package includes: Damage Remedy Fur and Scalp Renewal, 50-Minute Bull Elk Facial, 80-Minute Aromatherapy Massage, Spa Antler Polish, Paraffin Hoof Dip, Furcut, Shampoo and Style.

Below, see how animals all across Denver are imprisoned by holiday outfits simply because they lack the hands to tear them off... The evergreen octopus perched on the middle pine tree in the picture above is a terrific touch to this otherwise fussy front porch festoonery. The inclusion of the Scottie dog, the international symbol of anal-retentive amateur interior decorators, warns that this is the home of a visionary armed with coffee-table coasters. The size of the wreath is always proportional to the size of the animal, as shown below... The wire reindeer pictured above belongs to an innovative fashion designer. How else to explain the clever reuse of a tree skirt as a Christmas cape? Reindeer Dressing Tip: reindeer wreath necklaces must open with a clasp, otherwise the wreath won't fit over the antlers. Below, see how animals who refuse to wear holiday dress are often blinded by decoration... It is sad to look at the doggy window in the fence pictured above and think that some poor pooch's street view has been blocked by a Santa curtain. Oh, the indignities of being a dog during the holidays!

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Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.


Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.