Commentary

Boebert Watch, CPAC Edition: Speeching Is Hard

Representative Lauren Boebert holding a bill she wrote herself.
Representative Lauren Boebert holding a bill she wrote herself. boebert.house.gov
Congresswoman Lauren Boebert, proudly representing Colorado's 3rd Congressional District, is scheduled to speak at CPAC — the Conservative Political Action Congress — on February 27, sandwiched between Donald Trump Jr. today and twice-impeached former president Donald Trump on Sunday. The event also includes such intellectual luminaries as talking haircut/Florida congressman Matt Gaetz, and Kevin Sorbo, an actor who played Hercules on the eponymous TV show 25 years ago, who’s going to share his deep understanding of the climate crisis. (We wish that was a joke.) Boebert will be part of what’s sure to be a well-reasoned and not at all slavish appeal to the gun lobby and that cold-dead-hands section of the American public that’s so afraid of anyone who’s not just like them that they need to pack heat to eat flapjacks.
click to enlarge You can't see it, but she's totally making finger guns under her desk, too. - YOUTUBE
You can't see it, but she's totally making finger guns under her desk, too.
Boebert is already having a tough week, having first been ridiculed for the sheer overcompensation on display behind her during a Congressional Committee Zoom call: rifles and pistols and books she hasn’t read. It was a rare show of immaturity, even for the current members of the GOP in the House: her show of "ready" weaponry was the sadly adult equivalent of telling your thirteen-year-old that they shouldn’t drink so much soda pop, and so they drink all the soda pop they can. What are you rebelling against? Boebert’s congressional colleagues ask her. Whaddya got? Boebert replies. And then adds: Oh, and rational gun ownership. Also courteous discourse. Intellectual argumentation and logic. I have a whole list here of the things I’m supposed to be against.

Add to that a gob-smacking misunderstanding of basic American civics, specifically about how the Constitution she purportedly cherishes actually, you know, works. "Protecting and defending the Constitution doesn't mean trying to rewrite the parts you don't like," she tweeted, to which even the Second Amendment said, "Uhhh...dude. I'm standing right here."

And then came her speech February 24 on the floor of the house, which she delivered in staunch and incomprehensible opposition to the Equality Act (which passed the House the next day). She included an offhand slam to colleges and universities, a popular position of the anti-intellectual right, which mainly consists of people like Boebert who never attended one. She referred to institutions of higher learning as “liberal indoctrination camps,” which only demonstrates an absolute misunderstanding of all three of those words.

But the core of her argument embraced the usual empty fear-based anti-LGBTQ bigotry of those who think that the civil rights of other groups somehow threatens their own. They’ll use your tax dollars to force abortions! Your children won’t be safe in school showers or in sports or at doctor’s appointments! The gubmint could take your children away! “For the sake of parental rights, privacy, decency and so much more,” Boebert said in closing out what seemed to pass for her argument, “I urge my colleagues to vote no on this horrendous legislation.” An appeal to decency in arguing against equality? Boebert is so old-school that she’s getting all Plessy v. Ferguson.

What’s more, Representative Boebert is proud of her reprehensible argument. She posted it to Twitter quite boastfully, saying that she “gave a FIREY speech against this monstrosity.” She meant “fiery,” of course, but that’s probably one of those things they teach in liberal indoctrination camps.


Another thing taught at colleges and universities? How to construct a cogent argument. How to write it artfully. How to deliver it with style and grace and wit. All things that Boebert may want to know how to do if she’s going to participate in more events like CPAC.

Speaking of which, that same informant that got hold of her mileage log a couple of weeks back sent us something new he found on the floor of an Orlando hotel: a list of potential speeches that Boebert could be thinking about pitching for CPAC 2022:

  • Let Me Tell You More About the Imaginary Murders in My Neighborhood: Creating a Political Origin Story and Sticking to It

  • Shrines and How They In No Way Denote Fanaticism

  • Shirts, Bumper Stickers, and Manufactured Outrage: How to Monetize Your Political Career in Three Easy Steps

  • Why We Can’t Bowl Anymore: Dealing With Your Spouse’s Predilection for Showing Minors His Junk

  • The Radical Left: Everyone Not Me or to My Right

  • Guns Don’t Kill People. People Obsessed With Guns Kill People. No, Wait.

  • Learning What Amendments Are: Turns Out You Can Rewrite the Parts of the U.S. Constitution That You Don’t Like!

  • My Hero Sarah Winchester and Her Super Cool House Made Out of Guns or Something

  • Fucking Magnets: How Do They Work?

  • Why Mommy Is Leaving Your Dad and Marrying Kevin Sorbo
Any other suggestions for Boebert speeches? Share them with us at [email protected]
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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen