Here at Schmuck of the Week headquarters, we like to pass along knowledge gleaned from the stories of award winners, in the hope that we can prevent future Schmucks from being featured in this space.
(Don't worry about us possibly running out of schmucks. There seems to be an endless supply.)
This week's multi-part lesson comes courtesy of Dakota Holand, who's facing charges in two different metro-area counties.
Lesson 1: Don't kidnap anyone.
Lesson 2: Don't get busted for stealing a car shortly after kidnapping someone.
Lesson 3: After kidnapping someone, don't go into a surveillance-camera-equipped store with your shirt off — especially if a tattoo on your back spells out your last name.
Holand is a frequent Facebooker, sharing portraits like this one....
...and this one....
...as well as pics of the ink on his forearms. We're not sharing them here because they show the name of what's presumably a family member, since the name "Holand" is clearly visible.
His arms aren't the only place the "Holand" appears on his body, though — and we know that thanks to the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office.
On August 26, the department put out a crime alert about an incident that had gotten underway just shy of a week earlier.
At around 3:45 p.m. on August 20, the JCSO notes, a sixteen-year-old male was about to motor his Jeep Wrangler away from the King Soopers store in Conifer when an adult male climbed in behind him, claimed to have a gun and told him to "shut up and drive."
Destination: Pueblo. But on the way there, the pair stopped for gas at a Shell station in Colorado Springs. The suspect entered sans shirt, and the surveillance camera inside the store was fully operational.
This first shot shows the suspect from the front....
...but the more telling image is the back angle. As you can see, the name "Holand" is clearly visible.
Nice ink, bro.
Before parting company from the teen, Holand allegedly ordered him to stop at an ATM machine, withdraw money and give the cash to him. After arriving in Pueblo and stopping briefly at a house, investigators believe, Holand ordered the teen out of the car, and after splitting, the victim called 911 and contacted the local cops.
At the time of the sheriff's office release, Holand's whereabouts were unknown — but they didn't stay that way for long. Officials soon learned that Holand was behind bars in Aurora, having been busted earlier that same day on an unrelated car-theft beef.
This crime doesn't qualify as an isolated incident. Over the course of less than two years, according to 7News, Holand had racked up arrests for theft, forgery, trespassing and residential burglary — meaning that kidnapping is the most serious accusation against him to date.
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Losing at the name game runs a close second.
Look below to see Holand's mug shot, followed by a 7News piece.