Politics

Delegating Denver #39 of 56: Ohio

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Ohio

Total Number of Delegates: 162 Pledged: 141 Unpledged: 21

How to Recognize an Ohio Delegate: If the state of Connecticut married the state of Kentucky, their baby would be the state of Ohio. Like no other Americans, Ohioans combine the cold-hearted industriousness of the New England Yankee with the rock-headed stubbornness of the Appalachian hillbilly. These traits make Buckeyes the best employees in the nation, as long as they can tell their bosses how to run their businesses. And Ohioans mean business. If measured as a nation, the Ohio GDP would be the seventeenth-largest in the world. But while proud of their work ethic, Ohioans don't flaunt their earnings. The state is home to both Abercrombie & Fitch and Macy's, but Buckeyes secretly prefer to shop for fashion basics at Columbus-based Big Lots! and DSW. However, for the Democratic Convention in Denver, Ohio delegates will be wearing solid-color sportswear purchased from Filene's Basement in trend-less styles that can be worn for the next twenty years. Female delegates who live north of I-70 will choose styles befitting a mid-ranking Communist Party undersecretary in somber tones of navy, olive or brown. Females who live south of I-70 will wear slightly dressier styles in brighter shades of red, purple and beige, accessorized with a gold cross on a chain. Male Buckeyes always wear gray pants paired with shirts emblazoned with the logos of the football team that plays in the stadium nearest to their home.

Famous Ohioans: Airplaners Orville and Wilbur Wright; astronauts Neil Armstrong and Judith Resnick; artists Jim Flora, Jenny Holzer and Maya Lin; broadcasters Ted Turner and Hugh Downs; cartoonists Harvey Pekar and Derf; writers Sherwood Anderson, Toni Morrison, Erma Bombeck and Zane Grey; actors Paul Newman, Sarah Jessica Parker, Fred Willard, Katie Holmes, Paul Lynde, Anne Heche, Luke Perry, Molly Shannon and Woody Harrelson; musicians Dean Martin, Bootsy Collins, Chrissy Hynde, Dave Grohl, Marilyn Manson, Kim and Kelley Deal; feminist Gloria Steinem; celebrealist Carmen Electra.

Famous Ohio Democrats: 2008 presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich; former United States senator Howard Metzenbaum; former United States senator and first American to orbit the Earth John Glenn; 6th United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Donna Shalala; former United States representative indicted for bribery and racketeering James Traficant (projected release date: September 2, 2009); former Cinncinnati mayor and TV host Jerry Springer; Alison's Soul Sista of the Year representative Stephanie Tubbs Jones.

Famous Ohioans With Denver Connections: Territorial governor and highest state peak namesake Samuel Elbert;Rocky Mountain News founder William Byers; City of Greeley founder Nathan Meeker; Dearfield founder Oliver Toussaint Jackson; Four Mile House founders Samuel and Jonas Bratner; Springs pottery founder Artus Van Briggle; artist Vance Kirkland; Lodo Red House builder Frederick R. Mayer; Colorado Ballet instructor/choreographer Danielle Sunseri; regressive Republican Bob Schaffer; former tiny Nugget Earl Boykins; former Denver Broncos place kicker Rich Karlis; former Denver Bronco and current News4 sports anchor Reggie Rivers; storm chaser Tony Laubach.

State Nickname: The Buckeye State, Birthplace of Aviation, The Mother of Modern Presidents (official); The Bucktooth State, Birthplace of Modern Mothers, Conntucky (unofficial). Population: 11,478,006 Racial Distribution: 84% white, 12% black, 1.5% Asian, 2.5% Hispanic Per Capita Personal Income: $30,129 Unemployment: 6.1%

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Sean Cronin