A recent Denver Police Department audit shows that Denver's finest are initiating half as many investigations as performance-quotas require. Police Chief Gerry Whitman insists Denver cops are obligated to do their jobs, and that they are reducing public complaints about their performance simply by reducing public contact!
The photograph above shows how the police cars of District 6 will be modified to showcase the department's new work ethic. And all across the city, Denver police can be seen engaged in a new non-aggressive form of policing...
Pictured above, Ofiicer James J. Rose, Officer Nathan Beiriger and Sergeant Dennis Bedenbender claim that the recent police department audit numbers are misleading. Making half as many stops allows an officer to spend twice the amount of time on an investigation. As seen below, Sergeant Marek Rykowski would rather be in hot water with suspects, than to be suspected by the public... Sergeant Marek A. Rybkowski agrees that it is impossible to place performance quotas on good community policing. As shown above, even the length of a standard hot tub safety training session can vary depending on the trainee's interest, comprehension, number of hot tub pool toys, availability of snacks, beverage choices and gender. Motorcycle cops patrolling the Cherry Creek Mall have proven to be especially unproductive... The favorite activities of Denver cops, like all cops, involve exercising authority over others and shopping. If they are doing less of the former, it probably means that they are doing more of the latter. And, in this time of massive city budget cuts, it is probably preferable to accept the less productive policemen as a means to save on settlement costs of excessive force lawsuits and encourage the extra sales tax income. Less productive police officers means more healthy police officers, as you'll see below... Everyone knows that excessive police force means excessive paperwork, from the initial report to the altered forms and the internal investigation. By limiting the initiation of investigations, the officers above have found the perfect way to get off of their fat butts, out of the patrol car and onto the basketball court for a game of H-O-R-S-E.The officers may look like they are just horsing around, but healthier police officers means lower health care costs for the city of Denver.
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