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Seven Other Hedge-Fund-Era Denver Post Blunders

Seven Other Hedge-Fund-Era Denver Post Blunders (2)EXPAND
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In the Opening Day edition of the venerable (and clearly vulnerable) Denver Post, the cover of the Life & Culture section boasted a feature on “The Ultimate Visitors Guide to Coors Field,” which prominently pictured…a lovely photo of Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia. Home of the Phillies. Nowhere near Denver.

Readers must have wondered how this error happened — the scoreboard says Phillies, as does the area behind home plate. And that’s definitely not the Denver skyline on the horizon.

But it’s no mystery. Errors like this could be the result of the purposeful and reckless draining of the talent and passion and commitment of the folks at the Post. This is what happens when hedge-fund asshats run a newspaper: They care more about how high the dollar bills stack than anything having to do with journalistic integrity. Between massive layoffs, moving the city paper out of the city, and a dedication to profitability above all else, the Denver Post isn’t being given the resources to do its job. Mistakes are going to be made. Accuracy will suffer.

If Denver accepts a city newspaper that mistakes the Phillies' field for its own, what else will we shrug off? What happens when America accepts bad information as fact? Shortcuts, probably — like these seven.

The generic, all-purpose hills are alive.
The generic, all-purpose hills are alive.

7. Any Mountains = Julie Andrews From The Sound of Music
If you've seen one mountain, you've seen them all. It's a mountain. It's rocks and dirt in one big pile. At least this photo has the additional benefit of making you think of musicals and raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens and, you know, opposing Nazis instead of calling them "very fine people."

6. All Craft Beer and/or Pot = Snake Juice
If it's an inebriating substance, let's just throw up a still from Parks and Recreation and call it a day. There is no problem that a good Ron Swanson reference cannot solve.

If he dies, he dies.
If he dies, he dies.

5. All Russian Leaders = Ivan Drago
We're returning to an era in which America has real, serious reasons to fear Russian aggression, whether it's through attacks on our election system or giant mutant blond boxers who care nothing for American heart. Enter Dolph Lundgren. Never mind that Dolph is Swedish. This is about the eye of the tiger. The thrill of the fight. Rising up to the challenge of our rival. Not being able to tell the difference between Dostoevsky, Lenin or Putin. And, frankly, not really caring.

4. Skiing News = That “Agony of Defeat” Guy From the Wide World of Sports
We all know that people watch some sports for the wrong reasons, and most of those wrong reasons have to do with voyeurism. We want to see things go wrong: for a car to crash, for a golfer to have one too many bourbons between tees, for a skier to completely biff it on the slopes. So let's just go old-school, Jim McKay-style, and let Vinko Bogataj (that's him falling down the ski jump) represent any old ski story that we feel like we're obligated to cover. People love that shit.

If we don't capitalize anything, we should be fine, right?
If we don't capitalize anything, we should be fine, right?
Arsene at Flickr

3. The White House = This Nameless Shack
Look, call it an incredible house or building, or whatever you want to call it. Because there really is no name for it. It is special, and we keep it in tip-top shape. We call it sometimes "tippy-top" shape. And it's a great, great place.

I just want to come forth and take full responsibility for all the things you know already.EXPAND
I just want to come forth and take full responsibility for all the things you know already.
JD Lasica at Flickr

2. Any News Regarding Data Breaches = Mark Zuckerberg Smiling
"I'm not smiling," Mark Zuckerberg was overheard saying from the depths of his money vault where he sometimes goes for a quick currency swim instead of a morning bath. "This is just how my face sort of settles when I'm seriously concerned about our own business practices that seemed like a great idea as long as no one was really paying attention."

Go, Broncos!
Go, Broncos!

1. Broncos = Raiders
Eh, it’s football. Who’s gonna notice?

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