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Denver: The manliest, drunkest, business-iest, happiest, safe-sex-having-ist city in America

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Colorado is a great state for doing business. Did you know that? It's true. CNBC told me so, in its latest business-friendly-city rankings. And thank God, because otherwise I might have up and moved to Arizona or something.

You know what's great about living in a business-friendly city? You get to do lots of business deals. And you know what goes great with business deals? Getting hammered. And since we're so business friendly, and we do so many business deals, that probably explains why we're the Drunkest City in America, at least according to Men's Health. It's probably true. I'm hammered right now. Aren't you?

The great thing about being so hammered all the time is that it makes it way easier to talk to women, because your brain forgets to tell you all the thing you hate about yourself. That probably explains why we're such an awesome city for being single. I know that to be the case because Forbes told me, and if there's anything the guys who work at Forbes know, it's what it's like to be single.

The one sucky thing about being single and always hammered doing business deals in the DTC is that you get laid so much, you need a second job just to pay for all the condoms you go through. That explains why Denver uses condoms as much as just about any city in America. I use condoms so often that I recently started wearing one to work, just in case some young businesswoman wants to pull over on I-25 to discuss workforce quality while we drink Jager and have some sex.

The downside of all the condom-wearing is that it fills up the trash can. But luckily my trash can is usually empty, because I live in Denver, which, you should probably know, is the sixth-least wasteful city in America. We recycle everything here. If you ever walk around Denver, you will see nothing but trash cans full of used condoms next to recycling bins full of beer cans and important business contracts. It's just how we roll.

Only we don't roll, we hike. Everywhere. I'm typing this from 16,000 feet, which is making me even drunker than normal. But all that hiking keeps you healthy. That's why Outside Magazine thinks this area is so healthy. OK, so Colorado Springs is technically the healthiest city, but the magazine mentions Boulder and Denver too. The point is, the whole state is one big square-full of healthy, thanks to all the sex we have and the condoms we use and the antioxidants we get from all the beer we drink, not to mention all the brain-exercise we get doing all of our important business deals. We're like the state version of Lance Armstrong (if Lance knew how to use a condom).

At least that's how people see us. They see us mountain-bilking around in our business suits, sipping Great Divide from our Camelbacks, pulling over only to have very protected sex. And you know what that is? That's manliness. Which is why Combos, the guys who make the cheese-filled pretzels, say we're the fifth-manliest city in the country. And there's no one I trust more when it comes to complicated scientific studies of entirely subjective measures than the guys who figured out how to put cheese inside a pretzel.

Actually, there is one team of researchers I trust more than the cheese-in-pretzel guys: The guys who figured out how to make chemicals taste like delicious meat. Which is why it's such an honor that McDonald's thinks that all of our manly drinking and fucking, and all of our hiking and all of our affordable commercial lease space, makes us such a happy place to raise a family. The sixth happiest in the country, in fact, and we would have been higher if all those lousy condoms didn't keep killing our chances of making even more happy families.

So you know what: Let's celebrate! We're young, we're happy, we're single, we're shit-faced, we're well-protected, we're healthy, we have better-than-adequate access to capital, we take what need and we use what we take. Life is good, my friends.

At least until the guys at Forbes get bored and decide to rank the most depressed cities. After that, I'm moving to Phoenix.

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Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.


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